When all else fails, the internet will listen.

Even when I was an avid smoker (I have since quit), I never took it to the level of looking for excuses at work to get that five minute nicotine fix that every other person I know is constantly looking for. I'm going to try and take you into a day at my job without giving too much away, because I fully intend on keeping this blog as an anonymous one.
When I walk into work I have two bosses, one is the woman without whom I would never have gotten the job (she's my friend's mother), and the other is the very bane of my existence, an older man who has kept himself looking young despite smoking like a fucking chimney. Why is this man so terrible? I have so many reasons.

1. He suffers from what I like to call "small man disease", where he attempts to intimidate those who are taller than him by suddenly turning into a hardass against those he knows can't say anything back without risking their job.
2. He's terrified of strong-minded women, and will back down at the first sign of one.
3. He is constantly under the impression that his way is the only way to do things, even
4. He delegates even the simplest of tasks, and when they aren't done exactly as he wants he goes apeshit.
5. He walks away as he's giving you instructions.
6. He mumbles the instructions.
7. He talks in a pitch that can only be heard when there aren't a thousand machines running simultaneously...but there are of course that many machines.
8. He attempts to maintain a friendly demeanor with the customers, which generally means he has to give the biggest faux-chuckle on a near constant basis.
9. I am the target of nearly all his aggression, as practically all other employees are related to the female owner.
10. He tells me to "use my head" when I can't read his mind.
11. He obviously used his when the five hundred dollar decals came in with a huge typo on them.
12. He puts me in situations where I can't win, so I just shrug him off and he gets even more aggravated with me.
13. He acts as if I'm lazy when I don't get an official break and stop working for five minutes after doing countless things he never takes the time to notice.
14. Right before he tells me I'm lazy, he takes his 6:06 pm cigarette break.
15. After he tells me I'm lazy, he takes his 6:08 pm cigarette break.