Movie to Video Game Ideas

3. Kazaam

Tagline: "Shaq is a G...a G-nie!"

Rating: N for Nobody

2. The Passion of the Christ

Tagline: "As much fun as getting nailed to a cross by Romans!"

Rating: S for Self-Righteous Assholes

1. Schindler's List

Tagline: "It's not a gas!"

Rating: R for Reich

WHO'S YOUR DEALER? :CLAP CLAP CLAPclapCLAP:

So it seems that even when life has a grip on your scrotum like a vice, some things come along and cheer you up immediately.

Why The Office is the best show on television.

I'll fill this up with a long, long list later.
Andy Bernard "The Nard Dog".
This guy is easily the best character, and having former Daily show correspondent Ed Helms portraying him brings the already incendiary writing to life in a way that makes it all the more pleasant.
Veritas Productions put together some of the best clips of Andy with what will be assumed to be permission from NBC and Universal.

Man-doshin

Sorry about the lack of updates of late, but there have been some legal issues in my personal life that have made writing, finding, and posting humorous entries seem much less important. In any case, the show must go on.
Now I came across this commercial at about three in the morning on Comedy Central, and all I could think about was how awesome the voiceover guy is.


If you've ever seen Napoleon Dynamite, you understand why.

4 year olds with more balls than me.

Sigh.

Grammar is useless on Facebook.

I likes me some pugs.

Why?

Roy Orbiwin.

Thoughts that come to mind when I watch this.

1. Is he singing to someone?
2. If so, are they a minor?
3. ...probably.
4. Where did his tooth go?
5. Isn't he at an age to begin wearing dentures?
6. Shouldn't he know all the words?
7. That's got to be on a karaoke screen.
8. Fuck Roy Orbison.
9. Where did his shirt go?
10. A toupee would only hurt his cause.
11. I just got a boner.
12. ...I came.

Another Facebook status, another moron.

Ok, let me give you the background on this girl. She is the daughter of two wealthy dentists, and has fully reaped the benefits of this by taking a cozy office assistant job so that she can get her nails done and dye her hair so that she may look like a skank. She sits on her ass everyday and makes accusations of people being lazy and stupid, while the only reason she even got into college is because of the bankroll her parents were willing to tear some change from to get her there.

Let me give you a quick translation.

• Lazy: Prone to idleness; resistent to work or exertion.
• Lazy (by her logic): Minority
  
• Stupid: Unintelligent; Slow to learn or comprehend; Obtuse.
• Stupid (by her logic): Liberal; Left-wing; Minority
  
• Work Ethic: The willingness of one to exert effort; Going the extra mile.
• Work Ethic (by her logic): The ability of a person to sit on their ass and act better than others whilst using their parents money to buy nice things.
  
• Earn: To work for something, most likely a reward.
• Earn (by her logic): Coasting through life with an undeserved sense of entitlement.

Geography knowledge is NOT crucial.

Yes folks, that's right. The Caribbean is a city as well as the country of Botswana. Failed geography much in high school there?

The ESPYs

The ESPY awards have officially become my favorite awards show of all-time. Why? They got this guy to present an award after "seeing" all the great teams play this year.

Call me an asshole all you want, but I consider it an achievement for the man to be able to give an anecdotal introduction off of memory. He made it at least seem as though he gave some kind of thought and effort into preparing for his piece. I just want to know if they made the winner's slip inside the envelope in Braille.

Internet is my only refuge

Each of these images is the respective property of their creator(s).

Asshole 101: Xbox Style

When I play the only game I currently own, Left 4 Dead, online I find myself becoming a condescending asshole more and more. Every time someone misses a boomer vomit, or doesn't finish the one kill they have to complete to secure victory for the stage, I generally give them a list of the ways they could have done it. When they fight back and kick me, I take solace in the fact that this is their life that I am making miserable for that solitary moment in time. When I was playing Call of Duty: World at War online on my friend's console, I really enjoyed the aspect of killing people with a knife. It's personal and embarassing all at the same time. This guy brings the element of all the above mentioned factors in this beauty of an asshole move.

I MAKE IT RAAAAAAIN BILLZ AND LEAD.

AWWWW YEAH.

Canucklehead provides me with great stuff.

Some other ways this question could have been asked/statements:
Pointless is school, my not it enjoy much very.
Me fail English? That's unpossible.
I dont wont too go to my skool n e more.
Their are to many tests and eckzams.
I have too get a education?
What is a batchelor's deegree?
My kwizzez r 2 hard.
I done missed my phinals.
Me and my teacher dont get along.
I fail my tests irregardless if I studied or not.

If you do not see my point, please...read the following book: Stop Using That Horrid Grammar! from Topskills.

The new DirecTV commercials are incredible.

This isn't the best one, but when I find it I'll change it.

Barack Obama leaves everyone speechless.

The Obligatory Harry Potter Post

Yes, I did enjoy every book in the Harry Potter series, and thus far the films have been surprisingly true to the literature. The character's and the actors portraying them have grown in front of us for what will be their sixth film together. From what I've seen in the trailer, it looks exceptional.
I'm not going to bash Twilight in this post, because the book's fans arguments as to why their book of choice is superior to the Harry Potters are usually full of holes and inane claims, making it even more apparent that this book and its sequels are the only literature that they have ever and will ever read.
In any case, I'm excited for The Half-Blood Prince...and so should anyone that enjoys being entertained by intelligent film adaptations.

I Love Shaq.

Unfortunately for you guys, you're going to have to trust me on this link.
http://interactiveshaq.com/comment/comment_video.php?id=689



Yes, that happened.

So my professor rules.

He found the greatest video I've ever seen on Youtube.

Some thoughts regarding the MLB All-Star Weekend.

1. The HR Derby was essentially the "watch Josh Hamilton dipping in foul territory" show.


2. The celebrity softball game was entertaining, especially considering that Nelly was by far the most talented player on the field, again proving he is the best athlete in showbiz.


3. Andy Richter is a worthless piece of shit, on and off the field.


4. Brian Littrell actually throws like a Backstreet Boy.


5. Mike Golic again showed why he isn't funny.


6. Miguel Tejada's son is an attention seeking boy, often knocking other children down to get into view of the camera.


7. Shawn Johnson's marketability is solely based on how attractive she is prior to her turning eighteen.


8. In case you weren't aware, Nelson Cruz is an unknown.


9. I wish Griffey wasn't hurt. Some of my fondest baseball memories
   

Ok, now on to the actual game and 5 things I see as important.

1. Since 1997, the American League is 11-0-1. Yes, this has been said many times, but it's significance is profound in that it shows the clear superiority in the quality of player in the AL.


2. Lincecum and Halladay are starting for the NL and AL respectively. Lincecum is one of the finest pitchers I've seen in a long time. A lanky kid with a delivery perfected by physics, he's gonna be a W machine for a long time. Halladay is much more established, but this is still his first start. Everyone seems a little suspicious as to why the Jays want to deal him right now, but I think it's a sell high strategy rather than one to get rid of a pitcher that clearly had resonating effects from his injury to his lower half earlier this season.



3. Pujols-Braun-Ibanez vs. Mauer-Teixeira-Bay. Seriously? No comparison necessary. But since we are discussing the finer points I will have to say that while Pujols may be the best hitter the game has ever seen when his career is in the rear view mirror, Mauer will be right in that conversation with him. Braun is young and powerful, but Tex has been on a tear for a while and that will ultimately pay dividends. Ibanez has shown a surprising amount of power this year in Philly, but he doesn't belong being fifth in that lineup at all after being injured (thanks, Manuel). Bay has become exactly what Boston needed when Ramirez left: a dependable everyday LF with a big bat. Edge will go to the AL.
   
   
4. Pitching overall: AL. With all the injuries that have been suffered by both sides, this year's pitching lineups are incredibly similar, in addition to being decimated. I've already discussed the starters, so perhaps the closing situation should be brought to light here. Frankie Rodriguez and Trevor Hoffman (replacing Broxton) will be a powerful 8th and 9th inning punch for the NL if they can hand a lead over to them. On the opposite side, there is the jig man himself, Jonathan Papelbon alongside Mariano "Sandman" Rivera, Joe Nathan, and new Los Angeles Angels closer Brian Fuentes. All of them are nasty in their own rights, and if given an inning a piece ill shorten the game to about 5 innings in which the NL has to put up big runs against guys like Greinke and Felix Hernandez...yeah, it's that serious.
   
   
5. The NL Advantage: Ballpark, Benches. The NL is hosting, so no DH this year...a HUGE advantage for the NL, as only Beckett is a true hitter of the AL pitchers. Being that there will presumably be quite a bit of pinch hitting, it's also necessary to take a gander at the considerable amount of power coming off the bench of the NL. Just to name a few: Fielder (22 HR, 78 RBI's), Gonzalez (24 HR, 52 RBI's), Howard (22 HR, 67 RBI's), Zimmerman (14 HR, 52 RBI's), and Brad Hawpe (14 HR, 59 RBI's). That's an enormous amount of power and ability to drive in runs coming presumably once or twice an inning. The bench is quite a bit better than the AL's, and might be the shining glimmer of hope for the National League's squad this year.

We'll have to see, but I'll take the AL until the NL proves they can man up when it counts.

Inner Strength

This means "Inner Strength", for the record.

The other day I had the distinct pleasure of being a participant in a conversation about tattoos, which I eally liked because I do intend to eventually get something meaningful put on my body. Not only that, I appreciate a fine piece of artwork regardless of location.

As you all know, I've been doing a lot of people watching lately, and as a result I came into this conversation with a man who had a tattoo with the symbol above. He was telling me the whole story of why he got it and how he got it, when a simple question popped into my head: "why Chinese?" The man was clearly of Italian descent "straight off the boat" NY style.

We chatted for a few moments and then I decided to just ask it. "Hey, why didn't you just get the English words 'inner strength' written on your forearm if you believe you have so much of it?" .....no response, he walked away.

Not only that, but there is no reason to have to advertise your "inner strength", because it's just that...internal. All those Chinese women are going to be flocking to you based on that obvious flaunting of character.

People wonder why I hate the world so much. I don't, I hate stupidity.

Tour De Farce

Seeing as how Lance Armstrong is once again competing in the Tour De France, I figured I would discuss one of my biggest pet peeves in the world: people that don't competitively race bikes, but still wear the gear as if they did.

Whenever I am home, I drive down one road that has a bike path instead of a shoulder fairly often. This path is commonly taken by teenagers who are too young to drive yet, normal people biking recreationally or for exercise, and the overzealous assholes that spend far too much money on the gear and not enough time on actually cycling. They will at all times be wearing their Livestrong gear (which I do actually support, I'm just making an observation), bike shorts, and a helmet. Clearly thinking they are participating in some form of an important race, they will be huffing and puffing their way into "shape".

Asshole 101: Lesson 3

Noticing degradation of intricacy FTW.

The Omegle Chronicles: Facepalmin'

I recently came across one of the best ASCII images that I have ever seen: the facepalm. Of course I am not the first to have used this on Omegle, but here is my first attempt.

SUCCESS!

OOPS! You're an ass.

Just when I thought it was impossible to find more of a reason that the overzealous Christian population is retarded and borderline psychopathic...I stumbled across this little gem. There are so many things to say here. For one, if evolution is a fairy tale, what is the bible? What is this imaginary being that watches you constantly without you ever seeing or speaking to them? Notice how they say "FOR GROWN-UPS". That's right, because you have to have the intelligence of a six year old to believe that there is some form of a great deity, meaning that religion, specifically Christianity in this case, is a fairy tale for children. Also, that cartoon right there looks like something drawn for the Nickelodeon audience, asshole.
It's almost as if this person is attempting to use the argument against Christianity against those who do not believe. Atheists are the ones who commonly associate religion with fairy tales, and not without good reason. Fairy tales are intended to instill morals in young people just like the bible's stories. This person's argument is essentially along the maturity lines of someone rebutting with "well it takes one to know one" or "so's your face".
"GOD BLESS AMERICA" this person's bumper reads. Well now, that's an asinine statement. If one does their homework on what this country was founded upon, it is the notion that there can not and will never be an official religion of the state, despite what the bible belt would like to say/believe.

This god (I will never capitalize that word) thing has gotten way out of hand in America. People vote for politicians based on their religious beliefs and convictions rather than the real issues themselves, which is more flawed than a Fred Phelps sermon. Our coins read "In God We Trust" because Dwight Eisenhower wanted to separate this country from the atheists in the USSR. Guess what? The Cold War is over, and god didn't defeat the Soviets, they defeated themselves by not turning opportunity into reality. It's time to realize that the three things you should stop believing in at a young age are the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and god.

TMZ's Hipster Messiah

I can assure you of the following three things when it comes to this douche.

1. He used conditioner this morning.
2. He bought that shirt vintage.
3. He put an exceptional amount of time going for that "look".

Every time I see this "Max Hodges" character, I wonder to myself : "what if the Oklahoma City Bombing happened to the TMZ building while they were all in it?".

Then there's this gem, which I think just needs to be posted.

Games are fun.

The other day I finally purchased an Xbox 360, which I had been wanting to get for some time. Now, when I go to buy video games and consoles, the first place that comes to mind is GameStop. Why? Look at their fucking name, that's why.

Under normal conditions, I can understand why the employees there are so jaded and condescending when it comes to what they see. But when I made the purchase of the console as well as one game (Left 4 Dead), the look the young man gave me was priceless. It can only really be described as and O RLY? face mixed with a touch of "...but you're wearing a backwards hat, you should be pre-ordering Madden 2010".

In short, he must have thought that I was this guy.

This is the reason I believe GameStop employees hate the world. The myriad of bros only looking to play Madden with their frat brothers alongside the bevy of mothers asking about games their kids shouldn't be touching with a ten foot pole. Behind those two predominant groups you have the 11 year olds buying headsets for Live so they can talk shit while ruining the experience for anyone that has ears playing against them. Then there's me, the casual gamer who likes to shoot zombies and have a good time.

I wish I could tell the GameStop employee he had every right to be jaded, but then a vicious session of misery loves company woul have started, and that's what this blog is for.

...but then I lol'd.

Congratulations! I wish I could "like" someone liking that for the sheer fact that they share the same plight of irresponsible and thus shitty driving.

Piece of Shit of the Day: The Final Chapter

I have decided to discontinue the Piece of Shit of the Day, as my job has made it very difficult to keep up with current events. However, in a massive make-up-for-it post, I will complete the series by paying some attention to the cool guys of the world. These are some examples that I have seen in my adventures in people watching.

Cool Guy #1: Drives by in a Dodge Neon with a kazoo for a muffler tip, an unnecessary air intake, and ground effects. This vehicle also has a spoiler which is clearly for aesthetic purposes, because in order for it to perform its designed purpose, the car would have to be going roughly 170 MPH. The young man driving is in his mid twenties, with large white (presumably designer) sunglasses on. His wingman, or passenger, is "holla'ing at the ladies" as he drives by attempting to play off the mildly impressive sound given off by his associate's automobile.



Cool Guy #2: Walker; wearing capri "shants". He has a tattoo of the inscription commonly found on the crucifix on his left pectoral. He is overly tanned and obviously Blackberry messaging.



Cool Guy #3: Walker; he is roughly 5'6" and coming back from the beach carrying BOTH his beach chairs because he wants to show off his well built physique...specifically his biceps and triceps, which he works on every Tuesday and Thursday chief.



Cool Guy #4 Walker; he is wearing Tapout board shorts (though he is obviously not a fighter), he is also wearing Air Jordan sandals/mandals. He has a tattoo of rope that wraps around from his shoulder all the way down his right arm. He is walking with a young "lady" that could easily be mistaken for some form of a comfort woman.



Cool Guy #5: Walker; He is wearing a pink polo shirt with the collar popped. He is a man of at least forty-five, wearing the attire of a preppy college boy. He struts his stuff like someone who doesn't have three kids in the stroller his wife is pushing next to him.



Cool Guys #'s 5 & 6: Walkers; These "gentlemen" are both greased up and buff in the sliver of shaved chest that is visible from the unbuttoned portion of their Hawaiian shirts. They smell of shitty cologne, presumably coming from dousing themselves with Axe body spray or simply swimming around in an aquarium full of Aqua Velva.

Top 5 Worst Comedians

It's often said that someone should do stand-up when they are funny in everyday situations. Sometimes this is completely true, but for the most part...especially these people, they should have stuck with whatever it was they were doing.

5) Ralphie May

I don't care what anyone says, this guy fucking SUCKS. This is essentially a Ralphie May act: self-deprecation; fat jokes; self-deprecation; some more fat jokes; fat jokes about himself; aaaaaaand goodnight folks. You're obese....morbidly obese. We get it but there is absolutely no reason that you should make a career out of making fun of yourself. I don't care what contests you've won, you're atrocious.








4) Lisa Lampanelli

Her entire act is about how she is fucking black dudes. Enough said.














3) George Lopez

Sub-par comedian gets TV show, same old story. Being a minority is funny, didn't you know? He uses the term "beaner" quite a bit.













2) Carlos Mencia
Ned (oh, that's his real name) is the unfunny version of Dave Chappelle. It's difficult to put into words my distaste for this "comedian". He steals jokes (The Amazing Racist, Ari Shaffir), which Joe Rogan hilariously called him out on at a show for. Think of everything you see in George Lopez, add a little copypasted Shaffir, and give him the replacement show for Chappelle...there's Carlos. He's not even Mexican from what I understand, he's German.











1) Dane Cook (No picture needed, you've seen him everywhere)
This guy was exceptionally funny when I first came across him. But now, it's the same song and dance every time he come up with "new" material. He shouts ridiculous stories at people using terms like "deliciousness" and "milk chocolatey clusterfucks" knowing that if he uses enough body language and hand action that he'll get a laugh out of the teenage girls and frat boys in his audience.
He is another notorious joke-stealer. The instance of theft that comes to my mind is his SNL monologue, during which he took almost word for word a wonderful Demetri Martin bit about shoe stores. Almost all of the comedian community dislikes or hates him for how famous he has become.

He doesn't have punchlines...all his bits are stories that have abrupt endings where he'll stare around like a child looking for acceptance and laughter. He notices everyday things and simply puts them in a humorous context, sans humor. Jerry Seinfeld at least was a pioneer when he did observation humor.

He's actually been decent in the "cinematic adventures" I have seen of his, and perhaps he would be best suited to stay that way, because Cook is just piss poor in every aspect of what comedy is supposed to be.

Honorable Mentions: Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Margaret Cho, Carrot Top, Dat Phan, Gallagher I & II, and Andrew Dice Clay.

There are so many great ones out there, but they get lost in the crowd when douchers like those listed above come into the limelight. Some of them include Zach Galifianakis, Dan Boulger, Demetri Martin, Nick Swardson, Brian Posehn, Louis CK, Mitch Hedberg (RIP), George Carlin (RIP), David Cross, and Patton Oswalt.

Asshole 101: Lesson 2

Fourth of July

Let's pay tribute to America by searching for some things that have Old Glory on them.

1) I can't find a good picture, but there most certainly were condoms that would make your member the most patriotic thing on your body. Oh latex, is there anything you can't do? There is nothing better as a woman than having a little bit o' symbol of the nation inside you.

2) Speedos/Banana Hammocks

3) Female Thongs

4) Mousepads

Numbers two and three are pretty self explanatory, but mousepads need a slight explanation. For you see, nearly every single computer is used as a means of obtaining pornography at some time or another. Tracking all that goodness over that mousepad until it becomes just a little red, mostly white and crusty,and blue is a little ridiculous if you think about it.

5) Umbrellas

Yeah, last time I checked, it was a federal offense to have a flag flying in the rain, let alone protecting you from it.

With the Fourth of July weekend coming up...

It is time for America to find a new National Anthem. The Star Spangled Banner is an outdated song, and being that we live in the self proclaimed "greatest nation in the world" we should consider a few new songs.
Thanks to Sylvester Stallone, we have one of the greatest sports movies of all time in Rocky IV. Why not use one of the songs off that soundtrack? It's got infinitely more soul than the old standby.


I really like this song because it talks about hard rolls. What's more American than hard rolls? This picture exemplifies America below.


Team America offers an even better song. One that really captures the American spirit, our foreign relations, and our morality.

Let's not forget the most important man to the American people, Toby Keith.



Toby Keith should be considered the greatest American to have ever existed. His words are so simple, yet they prove to be true over and over again. "We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way." Fuck yeah. He has a huge list of songs that should be considered for the distinction of America's national anthem, but the only one that comes to mind aside from the song mentioned above is "Beer for My Horses".

These are the things that I consider to be synonymous with America:

1) Toby Keith
2) Scientology
3) Lynchings

Fuck yeah America, fuck yeah.

Baby Lemonparty

After serving an infant with something really sour today, this video came to mind.

Piece of Shit of the Day: The State of Massachusetts

They got the whole idea of gay marriage right, and are essentially the historical center of the United States Revolution. They're also the home to the Red Sox and the Patriots, my two most hated sports franchises.

Well now they have decided that if someone in the state of Massachusetts wishes to contest any form of a traffic ticket by pleading not guilty, they get hit with a twenty five dollar fine right off the bat. This means one of two things. That the state has hired several incompetent employees for their police forces, or that they are greedy pieces of trash. My guess is the latter.

In some ways, it makes sense. They want people to place a bet if they think that the state is wrong. That might work in a cheap indian casino, but not in the state courts of Massachusetts.

It's kind of defeatist in a way because this country's revolution began in part due to the idea of taxation without representation. That's exactly what's going on here, Massachusetts. Wake the fuck up and smell yourselves, because you're the Piece of Shit of the Day.

I love the age we live in.

Ah yes, "feminine odor". Also known as stinky snatch, pungent pussy, and putrid pissflap; this condition is particularly unfortunate, yet so very exploitable for me in this case.

Hey mom, do you douche? Completely realistic.


Antique douches and post-period freshness: common women's public restroom banter.


Hosin' down that hole.


"Yeah it's so cute!" ...enter creepy geriatric woman aaaaaand cut scene.


"Hello?"



I feel that if I'm going to do a post on literal douches, it's an obligation to post the following:

This man's name on Myspace was formerly "Ripped Jorge", but I don't know if he's still on there. In the days when I was a full fledged guido hunter and insulter, this man decided that it was in his best interest to physically threaten me via the Myspace machine. Ahhh, the memories make me smile.

Good day.

Piece of Shit of the Day: Geico

I never thought I would be doing something on a (remotely) major corporation, but holy shit their ads are annoying. These are the things that I have noticed in the last few years about Geico.

1. They will never give up on an ad campaign, which is why they currently have three of them: the cavemen, the gecko, and the "Somebody's watching me" ones.
2. They always have fifteen second ads
3. There are always two of them in a row, as the clearly purchase thirty second spots.
4. The only ads that do not appear in fifteen second spots are the most obnoxious.

The one I will be discussing today is the god awful cavemen campaign. Not only have they managed to completely overdo the ads themselves, but they made the brilliant decision to input a shitty song by one of the most generic bands on the face of the planet, 3 Doors Down. We get it, they're being subjugated by the presumptuous Geico advertising executives. It's played out now assholes, give it up. Did you consider the fact that the television program based upon your ads got cancelled immediately? Apparently not.

(Mild) Piece of Shit of the Day: Brian Bruney

You shaved your 'stache. That thing had so much potential. Also, you almost blew the game tonight against the Mariners by giving up two earned runs in the eighth. You are a lesser Piece of Shit of the Day, though the fact that you have a lip in right there makes you a baseball player to me again.