Get Awesome

My cousin told me this story a long time ago, and I really liked it, so I'm going to share it with all six of you.

A while back, we were at a local show, and there was one band there that had these shirts that simply read "Get Awesome". My cousin was perplexed by these, and went to ask the lead singer exactly what it meant. He got something so humorous to me in return.

Apparently one of the band members had been out at a bar and taken some girl home. Things naturally progressed into fornication, but in the midst of all of it, the girl said "Get awesome!" Not knowing what to do, he did a little dance with his arms while he was fucking her, a little like this.

The girl looked up at him, clearly confused by what he was doing, and said "What are you doing, I said Get off me."

Stop it.

Please refer to 0:14-0:16 and 1:57-2:08. That is all.

Class 101

If you don't want to be invited to someone's house again, puke red wine on their dog.
-Whit

An IPHONE WUGHHHHHHHHHAHHHHH

The Six Head

Last night, I chose to go to one of my favorite bars in my town with two of my buddies that I play fantasy football with: Smelly and Louis. The names, as usual, are changed to protect in this case the not so innocent. As I have been doing a lot lately, it's definitely necessary to give you a glimpse into the character of these two, simply because they certainly both have their quirks.

Smelly: This guy is just a little bit younger than me, and was a year below me in high school. The fact remains though, that he tends to have a little bit of a "creepy" streak to him, in addition to a healthy stutter...which we all joke adds suspense to what he says. All these things come together nicely to be some of the important characteristics of my friend Smelly. He's a good kid though, and can take one hell of a verbal beating.

Louis: Louis can be compared physically and racially to Coach from Left 4 Dead 2. He is also a year younger than me, but is probably one of the funniest kids to be around, because he can talk just as much shit as I can...a rare quality. He tends to get into sports related arguments a lot, but the women just loooooove him.

The Events:

• Upon entering the bar first, I took a seat and watched my buddy STCA's band set up for their set later on it the night. I noticed quickly that there were very few women in the bar, and almost an obscene amount of men.
• Louis walked in about fifteen minutes after me, and we quickly started having a conversation about Smelly, and whether or not he was going to hit on the few women there. We had a good laugh about it, actually.
• Smelly walked in about ten minutes after that, and we quickly began to chat about out fantasy teams, their rosters, and how badly I had beaten Smelly two weeks earlier.
• As I walked away to get a beer, they snuck out for a cigarette, and apparently struck up a conversation with a girl a few years older than us...I think around 25 or so. They mentioned their conversation centered around Smelly and the girl loving the New York Giants, Louis hating on them and being a Packer fan, and basically making fun of each other.
• They came back inside, returning to where I was, and then the girl came back in. To describe properly what I thought the girl looked like, I will refer to a conversation I had today about it with my buddy Him Powell.

Jim Powell: Was she good looking at least?

AIA: She was a four; a solid four.

Jim Powell: eh.

AIA: Like if she was a decimal, you'd round her down.

• So the girl came in and immediately went back to her group of friends, across the bar from where we were. I told Smelly that if he was going to get an in with her, now is the time. So he went across the bar, and said that Louis was shit talking the Giants again, and she immediately came over. That's when I saw her up close. In the words of my gay buddy...WOOF. She had a forehead that didn't quit, but the thing that was most obvious was that this girl was absolutely obliterated. Things started to make a little more sense now. Sixhead introduced herself to me and I said my hello. Unfortunately, she said that she dug Louis more than Smelly, which was humorous to me.
• Over the course of the night, I made several statements to this girl, mostly to get her the fuck away from me, which included:
  "I have erectile dysfunction, I'm on Cialis."
  "I have premature ejaculation problems."
  ... and my favorite"My penis just grew by two centimeters, it's three now."
• About ten minutes after that, I was over watching the band, and came back to find her making out with Smelly, in public...much to the dismay of everyone else around the bar. I decided to bullshit with Louis and make fun of the situation. Louis was still figuring that he could steal her away...but it would be a sloppy seconds-ish scenario.
• After a while, Smelly went to get a beer, and she was immediately all over Louis, which was rather humorous...within ten minutes, they were making out. A true lady.
• So after a while, Smelly and the other two went out to smoke another cigarette, and Louis came back in. While they were making out previously, the girl had said she wanted him to come home with her. As he returned, he did not seem so keen on the idea. It appeared that Smelly was making a last ditch effort, and upon his return from his cigarette...he was successful in getting the girl to "take him home".
  
• Unfortunately for us, Smelly was our ride home, and he had promised Louis shotgun in his little purple Mitsubishi convertible. Unfortunately, that did not happen, as Smelly had gotten the in with Sixhead, she was riding shotgun, leaving me and Louis to squeeze our asses into the backseat.
• On the way back, I chose to have a little fun at the expense of the girl. Seeing as how I was the first person being dropped off, I asked the girl if she had ever been to Paris, because she seemed as if she had already experienced the Eiffel Tower in person.
• When I left, the girl would not get out of the car to let me out of the backseat, guess that offended her.
• The next day, the first thing I told my buddy Jim Powell was the following: "Hey man, Smelly got laid last night." His response? "What was his name."
  A proper ending to our story.

Trippin the Light Fantastic

Everyone. Should make out. With Everyone.
People deserve a chance to know exactly what they're getting into before they clip their wings and commit themselves to locking lips with the same person for any extended period of time.
Don't call it a slut spiral; if anything, you're enlightening yourself.
Keep a log, keep a list, keep a mental record.
I say this because I feel like no one else is. Everyone. Should make out. With everyone.
Don't get too serious. You're not supposed to fall in love with the first person who actually reciprocates your tonsil hockey. How are you ever gonna know if he/she is who you really want if you have NO other experience? How is he/she going to believe that they're the only one you want when you've spent most of your life making out with your inner elbow? Are you starting to see my point? Everyone. Should make out. With Everyone.
People seem so obsessed with holding hands... but I'm starting to see it as holding them back.
Let them go.
Let them do everything you're afraid they'll do.
If they don't come back, then they never wanted to be with you anyway. You were just there. It was just comfortable.
But wouldn't it be nice to know that you let them go, know that you let them be themselves, and see that you're still what they want?
Like I said.
Everyone. Should make out. With everyone.

Don't call it a slut spiral.
Call it a Loose Ascend.

-Whit

I Was a Dick

I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone was pretty close, so growing up was pretty easy I suppose. But overall, some good fucking stories came out of that place. I'll tell you one of my personal favorites, and perhaps one of my greatest achievements.

On my street, I really only hung around with three main friends, who shall be referred to in this blog from here on out as Kitty, Taco, and Pollock. Other kids came and went from out group, but we were the constants. I feel that I should probably give some background on these gentlemen.

Taco: Three years younger than me, a Mexican, and probably one of three people in the entire world I am legitimately certain could murder someone without remorse...basically, I wouldn't fuck with this kid unless I absolutely had to. Before he fell into some bad ways with some worse people, he was one of my closest allies in making fun of/torturing people that deserved it. He has a very strange sense of humor, and even though we might not talk as much as we used to, I still call him a friend.

Pollock: What can't you say about this kid? He might not always be the most intelligent person to be around, but his heart is usually in the right place, which I can't really fault him for. For the purposes of this story, it's definitely necessary to know that he randomly had a marker on him at the time of the events that took place. He's also a fisherman...almost to a fault.

Kitty: Ahh, Kitty. Perhaps my oldest friend, and the one kid in the world who has put up with my bullshit for as long as I can remember. Certainly the only person that I know for a fact that I will be in their wedding party. His parents are pretty awesome as well, and they have welcomed me into their home and lives for over a decade now. This all happened in front of Kitty's house.

Now... on to the story!

The Scene: 2005

Me and my buddies were all standing at the edge of Kitty's driveway, smoking cigarettes and shooting the shit. This was definitely towards the end of spring or even early summer because I remember wearing shorts that day. Anyway, these two girls that live up the street from us were both rather young, and pretty scummy if I do say so myself. One of them was a friend of everyone's sister, the other was her friend that was widely known as the ugliest girl any of us had ever encountered in our young lives.

Now, these girls had a penchant for bumming cigarettes off of absolutely anyone that would give them to them, and they ALWAYS knew if you had them or not. It got to the point where I would carry around two packs of cigarettes at all times with me (one full, the other with only one cigarette so that I could get out of bumming to them for that encounter),

Now, on this day I was feeling kind of generous. Partially due to the fact that UglyGirl had called me a scumbag earlier that week. As we saw them walking down the street toward us, I told my friends that I had something up my sleeve for these two. The girls said their pleasantries and quickly were on their way, however...but said they would return shortly from some venture they were making into the woods by our houses.

I watched as they slowly strolled down into the woods and out of sight, and made my first statement regarding my intentions. I said, "I'll bet you that my ass has a nicer smile than UglyGirl's!" I then asked Pollock if he had a pen on him. He only had a marker, which ended up being a funnier alternative. Kitty had a camera phone, so I told him to have it at the ready. I then asked Pollock or Taco (it was a while ago, forgive me) to draw a face on my ass. When that was finished, they asked me what they fuck I was doing, to which I could only laugh. I pulled out a cigarette from one of my packs and stuck it out from the smile that had been freshly drawn on my ass, sticking it out of the crack. It was a rather convincing picture...almost Sarah Jessica Parker-like in appearance. I then told Kitty to take a picture of my pooper in all it's smoking glory.

When all was said and done, we were doubled over in laughter. They knew what was coming next. Seeing as how I hadn't showered that day yet, I chose to wipe the cigarette on and around my scrotum, making sure to wipe up every last bit of its salty goodness.

Literally not 5 seconds had gone by between when I pulled the cigarette out of my pants and when the girls came back into sight. I had to calm us all down so as not to give away our (mostly my) imminent smegma surprise.

The girls walked up to us, and without any hesitation, quickly asked to bum a cigarette. I "reluctantly" agreed to give them one to cut between themselves, which they seemed more than happy with...so were we. As soon as our friend's sister had lit the cigarette, Taco could not contain himself and had to walk away. Everyone else just tried to keep their composure, which became practically unbearable as UglyGirl spoke out regarding the cigarette, saying "This tastes funny." The smiles that I saw on Pollock and Kitty's faces I will never forget, as I bit my tongue so hard it bled so that I maintained as straight a face as I could.

When the girls were done, they went back to calling us scumbags and whatnot. That was the time that we chose to reveal our fromunder facade. The girls, of course, did not believe us. That's where the lovely picture that was taken came into use. I don't think I've ever seen someone turn green that fast, but boy...I was a dick.

TFLN

oh holy fuck, I forgot how much I loved this.
What's really good, world? It's been a minute. It's been about three months since I've updated, but I promise, we will be getting much more acquainted. Had to sort my life out... do the "real world" thing for a minute... you know how it be.
SO.
Let's start simple.
A text from my mother-
"I'm drinking rum buckets at the beach club bar with Fat Freddie of Harbour Island Spa mafia fame. My life is on a downhill slide. Wee!!!!"

....Am I supposed to know who Fat Freddie is? Your guess is as good as mine.
It's good to be back.
Audaces fortuna iuvat,
Whitney St. Paul

Puttin' smiles on girls faces.

I am probably one of the most pro-gay people that you will ever meet, but occasionally, I run into situations that make me question whether or not what I am doing could be considered a homosexual tendency. I am going to recount a story here and let you decide.

• The Dick Tattoo Story
  One of my buddies has one of the more interesting tattoos that I have ever heard of. For our purposes, he will be referred to as Ray. Ray is not exactly the youngest dude I hang around with...he recently turned thirty, has a wife with whom he has two boys. Now, Ray is a quirky guy, and he has always said that he wants to get a tattoo on the tip of his dick. Which I always thought was drunken bullshit...I was wrong.
  A couple weeks later, I was perusing my Facebook news feed, and I saw that he had recently posted a status that read "I love to put smiles on girls face." Normally, I would have shrugged this off, but knowing my friend...I shot him a text asking what he had done. He said he gotten the tattoo that he had previously mentioned. The tattoo? A smiley face...on the tip of his penis.
  My Dilemma: Naturally, this added a whole new level of curiosity on my part. I mean, he has a tattoo...of a smiley face...on his penis. I had at least ten different questions for him, ranging from "Did it hurt?" to "did it have to be hard when they did it? If so, how did they make it hard?" But perhaps the most pressing question for me was "Is it a little gay if I want to see it?" Clearly, I had reached a road(er...cock)block in my mind. Luckily for me, he was more than willing to answer all the basic questions on a really friendly level. No, it didn't have to be hard. No it didn't hurt. Also, the tattoo guy had recently tattooed someone's TAINT. Yes, the grundle...the gooch...the runway. Jesus Christ, this is too much for me to even recount. But that last and most pressing question, I decided that it was in my best interest to leave to fate.
  Resolution...kind of: About two weeks later, after numerous conversations with every good friend that I have regarding Ray's novelty penis, I received a message on my cell phone, I looked down at it, and sure enough...it read PIX MSG. The name on it? Ray. Oh god, is this it? Well, it was the PNS MSG/ DIX MSG that I had been dreading/anxiously awaiting. Sure enough, there it was. His penis...smiling at me. I asked him what made him send it to me. His response? "Just wanted to say hi!"
  Ending 1: What an asshole.
  Ending 2: Welcome to my life.

How I Know You're A Dick: Driving Edition

It's been a while guys, and for that I apologize. Lots of things going on in my life at this time, so the blog has been a back burner item. But today I was driving along a major highway...and got to thinking. That there are so many things that people do whilst the are driving that piss me the fuck off. Hence, I return.

Today I was in a situation where I was being tailgated on a two lane highway by a truck with an obvious height advantage over my car. Now, logically, if one was to have that height advantage, they could see OVER the car in front of them, given they were a smaller vehicle. I drive a Hyundai Accent, so I fit this designation. This douchebag tailgated me for over 12 miles, with an open lane to pass me legally on the left in, seeing that I was obviously stuck behind numerous slower moving vehicles. But no, this gentleman chose to flash his high beams on me three or four times. Of course, brake checks followed. He then attempted to pass ONLY me, cut me off, and generally just be a jerkoff. Seeing this, I obviously sped up so that he had no room to do so, he then caught my eye and began to verbally assault me from behind the wheel and a closed window. A real genius. This is where I use my two favorite actions when I see someone trying to yell at me in their car. First, you simply act like they are trying to say hi and smile and wave. This has proven to be a real winner in pissing other people off. He seemed irked by it. But my favorite was when he tried to pass me again, failed, and then came back to yell at me some more. I blew him a kiss and shot him a wink. He was angered, shocked, and I think a little blood rushed to his penis, because he sped off like a banshee. Success.

I have so many stories that involve my antics behind the wheel that I'm only going to tell you one for now, and possibly develop this into a series. But really this is just an intro to my life of what I like to call "road justice".