The Greatest Story Ever Told.

This may or may not have actually happened. You decide.

So today I woke up to one of the funniest set of events that has ever taken place within close proximity of myself. Let's set this up properly. I live in an apartment with three other dudes; I will refer to them as Broseph A, Broseph B, and Broseph C.
-Broseph A is a pretty straight-laced guy, but having lived with Broseph B for a few years, he has fully adapted to the humor and actions of B.
-Broseph B is the funniest guy I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. His sense of humor simply clicks with mine, and we generally feed off of each other whenever we make fun of something or someone. However, it is generally his off-the-wall behaviors that make him as funny as he is.
-Broseph C has his quirks, but isn't really relevant in this story.

Ok, so there has been a recent obsession with MMA fighting in my apartment. One of the maneuvers used in this type of fighting is known as the guillotine choke, explained here:

That being said, they had discussed where would be the most vulnerable place to get one another in this choke. Naturally, this conversation turned quickly to the bathroom. A man is at his most vulnerable while he is making a dook. So Broseph A said that he was going to do this to B by Christmas. In response to this, B told A that there would be immediate and serious consequences for performing this kind of aggressive act while the other was doing the ca-ca cha- cha.
Today, this event happened.
B was on the toilet, just dropping his kids off at the pool, when A comes in and guillotines him right off of the toilet. Instantly, B grabs his food baby out of the toilet and throws it at A...hard, hitting him right on the left side of his stomach, luckily while wearing a shirt.
They both immediately start doing two things: laughing, and simply gasping at the shocking event that just took place. At this point, I hear the ruckus in the bathroom and walk in to see B wiping the splattered deuce off of A's shirt, still dying laughing. As I walked in, the smell overcame me...I began to laugh and gag simultaneously (a feat significantly more difficult than you can imagine).
I'm really not sure what makes this better, the event itself, or the dialogue that followed. I'll let you read for yourself and decide.

A: This honestly could not have been worse.
B & myself: Why is that?
A: When the log hit me, it was a semi-solid. I wasn't even like a whole log!
B: It wasn't a semi-solid when I threw it. I told you what was coming, you were warned way before this happened.

Later

A: Well, I'm going to do my laundry with B. When I get back, we will never speak of this again.

Upon Returning

Me: So, pretty shitty day, huh?
A&B, in unison: I don't know what you're talking about.

Wow, just wow.

Oh yeah? That's cool.

Cool story, bro.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

One of my favorite video contributors to Youtube strikes again. This is an absolute gem.

Different Place, Same Faces.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

College Life

Yeah man, that's totally what a college refrigerator should look like. I'm sorry, but everything Coors makes is fucking AWFUL. It's pisswater, and this is the low-end version of that pisswater.
There's a reason that your GPA is below 2, you jackass. It's that you think this is the way to live your life.

A Triumphant Return.

...as society implodes, people argue over fictional characters as if they were real.






We have a winner! You are over the age of twelve, changing your name on Facebook so that it corresponds with a book intended to make weak-minded women's knees shake. I wish I was as cool as you, but I have more productive things to do with my time (like ripping you apart).

You're right, last girl, you are pathetic.

NICE PHONETIC SPELLING YO!

What the fuck is that thing next to Taylor Swift? Jesus Christ lady, you like like a baseball mitt's wet dream.

Recognizing the Anonymous.

Oh yeah, I suppose I never did get around to mentioning that my blog was kind of given an award. My good friend, and I suppose my one loyal reader at Dara on the Hunt placed upon me the distinction of "Giving Good Blog". I understand that this is kind of a chain letter deal, but it's pretty flattering, and perhaps will be the only accolades I ever recieve for the work I do here at Anonymity in Action. For this I heartily thank her, and offer you the link to the award.

I'm coming out.

This is a rather interesting week coming up. I have been afforded the opportunity to counter- picket one of the most evil organizations in all of America, and perhaps the world: The Westboro Baptist Church.
Led by "Reverend" Fred Phelps, these people have been spreading hateful propaganda all across the nation for years. They aren't even a recognized section of the Baptist faith by the leaders of the sect of Christianity, yet they constantly use the Bible as a weapon to bash anything and everything they deem "unholy".
Let us take a look at some of their work:

• Picketing the funeral of Matthew Shepard, the Wyoming University student who was beaten to a pulp for being a homosexual by two thugs after meeting at a bar. He was tortured, pistol whipped, and left hanging on a fence. They said he deserved it for being a "fag".
  Following the funeral, Phelps attempted and failed to gain city permits in Cheyenne and Casper to build a monument "of marble or granite 5 or 6 feet (1.8 m) in height on which will be a bronze plaque bearing Shepard's picture and the words: "MATTHEW SHEPARD, Entered Hell October 12, 1998, in Defiance of God's Warning: 'Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind; it is abomination.' Leviticus 18:22."
• They protest outside of Broadway musicals, calling them "havens for homosexuality".
• They picket the funerals of American soldiers killed in action, sporting signs that read "Thank God for IEDs", "Thank God for 9/11", and "Fag Troops".
• Phelps releases videos damning to hell any famous person that speaks out or acts out against Christianity. Most notably, George Carlin and Heath Ledger (for his role in Brokeback Mountain).

I have been waiting five years for a crack at these hatemongers, not only because I consider myself an atheist, but because I think that anyone should be able to live however they choose in America, free of persecution and subjugation.

I understand that this blog (Piece of Shit of the Day) has been an exercise in ridicule, and I do not intend for any true judgements to be made based upon them. I have anger in my words, but not the hatred that is portrayed by these people.

With that said, I want to mention that even people who I am completely against (Sean Hannity) have come out and said that the WBC is nothing more than a group of belligerent jerks who feel the need to self-aggrandize based on their self-righteous assumptions. They take the First Amendment, and its free speech clause to the absolute moral and ethical limits of the law. As much as I hate to say it, they can say and protest whatever they like, because I believe in the Constitution. The best thing that those agianst them can really do is meet their numbers and message with a much stronger counter-argument populace and message, one of love and understanding.

I will leave you all with some ideas of exactly what Phelps says and does, as well as some of the most successful and hilarious counter-pickets that have occured thus far.

Phelps on Carlin:

Phelps on Australia:

Phelps on Jerry Falwell:

Phelps on Stewart/Colbert:


Now for the excellent counter-protests.
Michael Moore:

University of Chicago:


Let's do this the right way. My uncle died as a result of 9/11 (inhaling debris, firefighter). Fuck this guy, his "church", his ideology, his actions, and his ways.

6 am

Well, here we go for my 100th post. Holy fucking shit.
Being that even what few readers I have could not come to a decision, I'll wait until post 101 to bask in my own glory.
I will admit, I racked my brain trying to think of just what to put here. Last night it came to me as if a dream (kind of). I consider myself a pretty heavy sleeper, and being on a first floor apartment I suppose I have to be. At 6 am (with my window closed) I hear this female SHRIEK, "BEE, PLEASE NO, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" right outside of my window. I wake up, believing that someone is being violently raped outside. A smile came across my face because, if you're gonna be screaming like that at the asscrack of dawn, you better be getting beaten or raped.
Of course it was none of the above, as the bitch decided that she was going to have a domestic dispute with her boyfriend at 6 am. I tried to go back to sleep, but I was too wide awake, so I opened my window and kind of enjoyed the show for a moment. Apparently they had been going out for some time and the boyfriend was tired of whatever whiny shit she was saying, so he locked himself in his room. Mind you, it's about 30 degrees outside, so it's extra funny that she's wearing pajamas with bare feet.
After her screaming about how cold she was for 15 minutes at the top of her lungs, I decided on behalf of my whole apartment building to put the girl in her place from my window. My exact words, verbatim: "LOOK BITCH, NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOU, THE FACT THAT YOU'RE COLD, OR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE BOYFRIEND IS BREAKING UP WITH YOU. I GENUINELY HOPE HE BEAT YOU SEVERAL TIMES, IT WOULD MAKE UP FOR HAVING TO HEAR YOUR INANE BULLSHIT AT 6 AM WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE ARE ATTEMPTING TO SLEEP. SO EITHER GO HANG YOURSELF AND DO EVERYONE A FAVOR, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
No response. More screaming from her. End case.
I hope she looked like this:

Eye hate you.

So I was eating at a restaurant today, a Sunday, and it dawned on me the thing that bothers me most about female NFL fans. It's not the fact that they like the sport, or that they generally have little knowledge on the game or its history, nor the fact that they feel it much more necessary to post about how they are watching "the game" as their facebook/twitter statii. Nope, it's that they decide to wear eye black.
I know what you're thinking. "That's such a petty thing not to like!" Look, I don't care if people wear jerseys or anything, but wearing eye black just takes it to a whole different level of asinine. It's not fucking cute, it's ridiculous looking. Are you playing the game? Are you inside while watching the game? Are you actually at the game, but it's too sunny? (Answer to the third question: WEAR SUNGLASSES). You are not football players, and there is no practical use for it, so just save yourself some time and effort and stop trying to bring "cute" into the conversation about football.

You think Marshawn Lynch, the undisputed ugliest player in the league would look cuter with eye black on? Let's take a look.

Nope, still ugly.

Why Wikipedia is not a reliable source.

Tell me what's wrong with this paragraph on the band Piebald.

Like fine wine.

As usual, it's mid-week and I cannot think of a thing to write, so I'm gonna use the geniuses in "The Whitest Kids You Know" to make you laugh. My buddy G made me watch this, and I nearly pissed myself.

Even more in that spirit, I'm gonna show you guys what he's been introducing to of late. Picnicface is seriously unbelievably funny.

Beers are not appletinis.

Packaged Goods

I don't usually consider myself to be too amused by predictable dick jokes coming from even more predicable sources. Today, I feel compelled to tell a story though.
I was walking down the hallway of one of the buildings I frequent, and saw a banner for a fraternity. The banner read: "[Fraternity Name], delivering the biggest packages in college since 1910." I didn't really think it was all that funny at first, but then I realized what the banner was actually saying about their recruiting and bid selection process. Let me set up the scenario for you.

:In an apartment building somewhere, fraternity brothers meet with the prospects the have chosen to possibly enter into their organization:

Frat President: I trust all you gentlemen know why you're here tonight, so I will cut to the chase. We here in [Fraternity Name] have a very specific set of standards that we must hold true to, for we have a name and a slogan to live up to.

Rush Leader: Ok boys, we have set up this long, waist high table for all of you to assemble directly in front of. We have selected each one of you because we believe you have what it takes to be a part of this prestigious organization.

Rushes: (Yelled, in unison) Sir, we are so grateful for this opportunity.

Frat President and Rush Leader: (In unison) Alright boys, whip 'em out and slap 'em down...it's inspecting time.

Beavage Cleavage

When I sit in a meeting with a content specialist, I generally consider them to be a professional. That being said, I also expect the people that are meeting the content specialist alongside me to be at least professional in demeanor.

So on Monday I walk into one of these meetings. It seemed like it was going to be a fruitful experience. Needless to say, of course my content specialist decided to blow off the entire group of people with the same major as myself. One woman, who I have known for a little over six months now, is the kind of person that makes me grind my teeth.

As a thirty-one year old mother of a seven year old child, she feels that she is more advanced and mature than the rest of us. I'm gonna do my damndest here just to elaborate a little bit on why this woman annoys me.

• She feels the need to audibly respond to everything our supervisor says. For instance, the unncessary mmm-hmmm that always comes along with the all-knowing elders of the world. Lady, you aren't that much older than me...shut the fuck up.


• Her laugh makes me want to take my testicles and pierce them to prevent turning whatever woman I chose to be with from becoming the all-knowing cunt mother she is.


• She paints her fingernails in these obnoxious colors in an obvious attempt to be semi-youthful. Needless to say, she fails to the extreme.


• She makes reference to the fact that she is thirty-one whenever she possibly can. We get it lady, you have lived longer than we have.

But now on to my story. Like I said, we were in a meeting with this supervisor that we had to grab because he was there, not because he was our content specialist. This woman comes in wearing this sweater

...except that it had a really loose neck.

Now that you get my drift, let's discuss how this sweater made my day a little more rage-filled. She was wearing this sweater at a circular table. Conveniently, she walked in late...saying that she was having "mommy issues". This woman seems to think that she has some form of a magical power over men. Let me let you in on a secret sweetheart...you don't. She plopped herself right next to the male supervisor who is speaking with us, making sure to lean over and show off her "assets".

Her breasts are difficult to describe, because as a guy I should be like FUCK YES TITS, but I knew they were not supposed to be out there in the first place. I was sitting next to three girls, and they all seemed to be looking at me to say something or at least make a face. I did roll my eyes whenever she spoke at the table, but didn't really need a know-it-all bitch attempting to tell me off. But back to her breasts. They were far enough out that I could catch a solid shot of her bra without even exerting myself. Here's my assessment: Meh.

But I'm not done yet. See, she felt the need to continuously breath by heaving her chest out in an attempt to gain this supervisor's attention. At one point, I'm pretty sure she was jiggling them on purpose...but I can't really be sure. What I can be sure of is that the first thing I did when I got home was wrote down exactly what I wanted to say in order to convey precisely what I felt about that ass-kissing whore of a mother.

Flawless Victory

You know what I want most in life?

Ever since I first laid eyes on a bulldog, they burned a hole in my heart that can only be filled by owning one of them. Look at that face. LOOK AT IT.

Shortened, Useless, and Asinine: The Story of the Words I Loath.

1. Legit-Unless you are MC Hammer, there is absolutely no reason to ever shorten the word legitimate. Look, I understand that that you want to sound cool. But really, this word used to be one that intelligent people implemented in a conversation to make idiots reconsider their educational choices in life (or lack there of).




2. Sesh-As in session. "Yo brah, we got a hookah sesh going on in the backyard if you're in." Ugh. Unlike legit, sesh makes me wonder about how lazy this generation is because really...it's one fucking syllable you're taking away.
   



3. Shawty-Yeah man, let's flatter a woman by subtly subjugating her!
   



4. Obvi-These four letters make my blood go from warm to piping hot. Obviously is a word that people use to point out things that people should see, and usually don't because they are idiots. For instance: "Hiroshima obviously made the Japanese pay fairly for the Rape of Nanking". Now if I was to say obvi there, I would sound like a jackass. You see my point?
   



5. Legitly-I know that I said legit already, but this is a word that deserves special attention. It's taking a dumb word and making it dumber. "Yo wifey, I just legitly fucked all twelve of the guys in that frat house!" Enjoy your worthless adverb, peons

Lucy in the Sky with Dumbasses.

LYKE OMG LOL. I don't even consider myself a huge Beatles fan, but you're definitely a jackass, good job.

Two of My Favorite Infomercials

Hey, you wanna get rid of that turkey neck? Feeling self-conscious about that fat just under your jaw? Do you have more chins than a Chinese phonebook? You should TOTALLY check this motherfucker out.



Let's not forget the ad that put my personal favorite, Giuseppe Franco, on the map. I really like how he makes it crystal clear that he knows nothing about how it works, but endorses it anyway...because it does.

I also really enjoy how the ad sets it up to the point where Franco appears to have some kind of posh ass clientelle. Look who shows up...

Stealing From Myself.

I was a big fan of this when I wrote it almost two years ago for another site.
The three most overused cliche's on social networking sites:
"Live. Love. Laugh." Oh god, who hasn't seen this incredibly teenage piece of garbage on someone's profile at some period of time. If this is honestly your philosophy in life, congratulations you're just like every other 12 (whenever girls realize that can have minds of their own)-27 year old female in the entire world. How exactly does one go about living? Is living going out and getting w@$tEd with all your friends living? Then i guess my body performing all its vital functions isn't living. Shit, I'm sooooo not alive right now. Love is tired, most love is dead, go live in China its a sausagefest over there anyway 60/40 male (you'll bag one for sure, even if you are a piece of suburban trash like every other person who says "live love laugh")..
"You only live once." Oh shut up with this one already. This is the first time that a soap opera will come into context in any of my writing. One Life To Live states this pretty well. You know what, I say you only die once, so when i do it's gonna be the most awesome death/funeral ever. Who knows how i will die but chances are, it's gonna be pretty awesome. As for my funeral, I plan on being chopped in half and sewed together with an ostrich...so classic. But back to my point, people use this phrase as an excuse to do anything. Binge drinking, necrophilia, heavy drugs, scat, sodomy, etc. Do yourself a favor, go get lobotomies, then people with real ideals can inherit the earth.
"Talk shit get hit." Seriously, ninety-five percent of people don't back that statement up even though they quote it like it's their job. How is it that this saying has spread so quickly and everyone from little eighth graders to however old people are on myspace nowadays are using it as if they know it's meaning. Yeah blah blah, there's a little picture in your profile that says it with a set of brass knuckles in the background. Have you ever seen a pair of brass knuckles? Nah, probably not.
Practice what you preach, assholes.

It's the little things.

In the past week, I have written a lot of prospective pieces for this blog. Ten by my count. This would be the first one I had any confidence in as far as quality goes. But on to my point I must go. There are a lot of little things in life that frustrate me, but I have found one recently that drives me absolutely off the fucking wall.

Now as a guy, I like the convenience that comes with having a penis. People know when I'm aroused, I can pee wherever I want really, and most importantly I can pee standing up. Yeah, life is pretty simple when it comes to the outflow of liquids...

...until I have to deal with this bullshit. Honestly, how can you make a toilet seat that doesn't stay up. It's like the punishment for having all the good perks. I now have to bend over whilst peeeing simply to hold the seat up so that I don't piss on it. Whoever invented a contraption such as this must have wanted everyone to sit down on this overly cushioned seat.

Ocean's 25 To Life.

There are way too many reasons for me to love Billy Ocean. But probably the most prominent one is the simple fact that he sings the anthem for kidnapping in general.

Whenever I walk down the street and see a van without windows, I usually think of it as a place where people go to be sexually abused in some regard. Billy Ocean, however, has taken it to a whole new level: he made all of these vans install sound systems so that they could seem like the fun place to be (while at the same time giving explicit instructions as to what to do and where to go with regards to the car/van).

Don't bring your drama to my blog.

Since it is that time of year for there to be small scale concerts at the colleges around the area, I figured I would let you in on a hidden gem on the scene. His name? KidTageous.

I know what you're thinking. That was simply...AMAZING. His rhymes are just so flawless, and his ability to dance supersedes even that. Just watch him bend his knees, keeping time like a metronome.

I guess I'm just rude.

So last night I was sitting in my apartment with two of my roommates and one of their girlfriends, just watching the Giants play the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football (totally had Mario Manningham on my fantasy team by the way...31 points!). I had posted a facebook status...which is apparently as connected to the world as one can get these days...about the noise that was coming from upstairs. I mocked the music, calling it "Olive Garden music" as well as later on turning into rave music.
Well let me tell you guys something: if you don't feel like dealing with a bunch of uppity sorority girls...don't do what I did. Luckily for me, I found it particularly funny. They came downstairs, knocked on our door in a rather upbeat manner, and they said that they were not having a "rave". I just kept saying "joke" over and over again because if I had intended to confront them on anything that they were doing on a weekend, I surely would have. I instead chose to make light of the situation on the good ol' internet, which not everyone seems to fully comprehend (it's understandable...they are sorority girls after all). The two girls were very different in their approaches to confronting someone. One was very apologetic, and said that it was the apartment above them that was making the ridiculous amount of noisy and disruptive music. The other girl took real offense to everything saying that "EVERYONE CAN SEE IT" referring to my status, and when the calm one tried to pacify her, she said "NO, IT'S RUDE".


Now honestly, did I think they were having a rave? No. Wanna know why?

Probably because they didn't look like this.

Seeing the direct correlation between someone saying an act was "SO RUDE", I decided to give the belligerent girl a new nickname...

Introducing the new STEPHANIE TANNER of my apartment building.

Congratulations, sweetheart. You've gained the title formerly held by an eight-year-old girl on an early nineties. You also falsely accused me of notifying the authorities of your excessive noise. I did not do any such thing, so get off your pedestal dear.

On a side note, the actual noise culprit decided that my calling his loud Italian...aka Sinatra...music (which he was playing whilst cooking) "Olive Garden music" was offensive. Why you ask? Because he's italian. Let me ask you something champ, ever been in an Olive Garden? Ever hear their music? My observation was spot-on, whereas your ability to recognize a good one is far from respectable.

All in all though, I guess I'm just rude.

Sigh Part III: The Aftermath.

Normally I'll let shit like this run it's course without saying a word. Normally. This whole fiasco has given birth to what could be the funniest meme since "Sup Dawg..." One of my associates, who will be known to all of you as "John Paul Kenya", told me that Kanye may be suicidal over the whole ordeal. At which point he ollowed up with this gem: "YO KANYE, I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'MMA LET YOU KILL YOURSELF, BUT COBAIN HAD ONE OF THE BEST SUICIDES OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME!"

Sigh Part Two: Overkill

Fuck off, get your spelling correct, and most importantly know that none of what you say mattered one bit.

Sigh.

Well, whatever faith in humanity that was left in my body is now long fucking gone. People actually give a shit about this Kanye West Taylor Swift thing. MTV is getting a boner from the sheer ratings right now, which ironically I'm fairly certain the spike in those ratings would look like on a line graph. Shame on you society, you have brought this upon us by making people in general give a fuck what celebrities do and think and wear. I hate the media, and this is a perfect example why.

...and you thought Kiss had ridiculous marketing.

Facing off.

When all else fails...


...give 'em the face.

The conversation I just had.

Friend: so i officially killed my unborn child. I need you to convince me it was a good idea.
Me: ...how old are you?
Me: what kind of job do you currently have?
Friend: thank you
Friend: i love how you convince me in 2 sentences

Abilidie

Really, just listen to how many of the side effects range from "serious" to "life threatening" or "deadly"

I Heart Huckabigotry

Smile

To the sorority cunts above my apartment,

You are not important enough for me to even communicate with verbally, seeing as how all of you have absolutely no comprehension of my vocabulary in the first place. But I figured it would at least attempt to compile some form of a large complaint against you on here before beginning some tactics that I intend to post in my next installment.
For you see, it is not polite to have a party every single night of the week...despite whatever you feel that your organization has to live up to. There are some people that actually have important work to do, and can't even begin to do so with people deciding to "dance"at any given time to generic dance/top 40 music blasting loud enough to shake a ceiling to the point where dust actually falls down on the occupants below them. On the same note, have you ever noticed that none of you can actually dance to begin with? The stomping that can be heard is in no way in a rhythmic manner, as a matter of fact...it sounds more like several elephants running on nothing but doses of tranquilizer heavy enough to make them hallucinate, but not heavy enough to actually bring them down. So really, stop chasing the leprechaun around your room, because it's just the date rape drug-riddled appletinis you've been consuming the whole time.
I love it when there are people outside of my ground floor apartment at all hours of the night, because it affords me the opportunity to go to the zoo from my current residence. It is truly incredible how people and animals respond to having a laser pointer on them in nearly the same way: they get confused, look around, and shrug it off. Then I hit them in the eye with it.
So this is my list of complaints and observations after living all of a week under you girls. I hope you fully understand...ah who am I kidding, you're all too busy with the cocks in your hands and mouth to look anywhere but at the patch of poorly shaved pubic hair in front of you anyway.

Any questions?

1. Is this news?
2. Is this relevant to his ability to play basketball?
3. Is this the first time this has happened in the last 25 years of the NBA?

We'll be back next week.

Following a well-deserved vacation, we here at AIA have decided to hold off on posting until September. Things will be a little different, perhaps a new layout...who knows?
In the meantime...

In honor of the LLWS...

I love how the team from Staten Island shows how well raised they are. They just beat Bernardsville, NJ last night to advance to the big show. For many of these Italians, it is likely the last time they will do anything of note in athletics without the aid of "supplements" or come into competition with their ultra-talented Central American counterparts.

When all else fails, the internet will listen.

Even when I was an avid smoker (I have since quit), I never took it to the level of looking for excuses at work to get that five minute nicotine fix that every other person I know is constantly looking for. I'm going to try and take you into a day at my job without giving too much away, because I fully intend on keeping this blog as an anonymous one.
When I walk into work I have two bosses, one is the woman without whom I would never have gotten the job (she's my friend's mother), and the other is the very bane of my existence, an older man who has kept himself looking young despite smoking like a fucking chimney. Why is this man so terrible? I have so many reasons.

1. He suffers from what I like to call "small man disease", where he attempts to intimidate those who are taller than him by suddenly turning into a hardass against those he knows can't say anything back without risking their job.
2. He's terrified of strong-minded women, and will back down at the first sign of one.
3. He is constantly under the impression that his way is the only way to do things, even
4. He delegates even the simplest of tasks, and when they aren't done exactly as he wants he goes apeshit.
5. He walks away as he's giving you instructions.
6. He mumbles the instructions.
7. He talks in a pitch that can only be heard when there aren't a thousand machines running simultaneously...but there are of course that many machines.
8. He attempts to maintain a friendly demeanor with the customers, which generally means he has to give the biggest faux-chuckle on a near constant basis.
9. I am the target of nearly all his aggression, as practically all other employees are related to the female owner.
10. He tells me to "use my head" when I can't read his mind.
11. He obviously used his when the five hundred dollar decals came in with a huge typo on them.
12. He puts me in situations where I can't win, so I just shrug him off and he gets even more aggravated with me.
13. He acts as if I'm lazy when I don't get an official break and stop working for five minutes after doing countless things he never takes the time to notice.
14. Right before he tells me I'm lazy, he takes his 6:06 pm cigarette break.
15. After he tells me I'm lazy, he takes his 6:08 pm cigarette break.

Honestly, being on Fox News has no parallel in terms of the stupidity of their staff. Barring finding some form of a closed live feed at some mental asylum, I doubt I ever will.

Best Movie vs. Worst Movie (Upcoming)

Zombieland: Bill Murray is making a cameo as a zombie...need I say more?

Gamer: This movie looks absolutely atrocious. I mean it's a novel concept, but honestly the execution is a little poor and this would have been a b-movie in the mid-nineties, but due to lack of original ideas nowadays, this comes out to a major release.

XKCD is fucking genius.

I never really think that webcomics are as funny as everyone makes them out to be. But when I came across this shining gem, I nearly pissed myself laughing.

That little extra.

Just when you thought that "little people" had finally gained some form of dignity within the realm of television...

AYYYYYYYY

So I have had my current vehicle for a little over a year now, and seeing as how I have grown accustomed to it, I figured I would tell you about my favorite feature of the car: faulty wiring.
I know what you're thinking, but hear me out on this one. My roof light has had shoddy wiring since well before I got the car, and it took me a while to figure out that this could be the coolest part of my daily life. While the wiring is shoddy, I can still make the light go on without flipping the switch that would usually do so by simply banging the light itself. Do you know who that makes me feel like?

DO YOU?

AYYYYYYYY.

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Currency Graffiti: An Observation

I first noticed this phenomenon when I worked with money on a constant basis as a cashier, and it has become one of my favorite forms of being entertained by felonious acts.







This is another blog topic that has probably been beaten into the ground, seeing as much of the content seen above was found on the Blogger network. In my defense, it's just too much fun to find stuff like this.

Some of the better flowcharts I've come across

I always find my placement of the term "Oh SNAP!" to be rather off. When I need a brief refresher, I refer to this gem. MMOABC.com has an entire list of them, and they are all brilliant. This was my favorite.

Just...yes. Thank goodness for mentalfloss.

Cracked is the owner of some of the best material on the interweb, and this is no exception. Personally, I approach my problems in life according to this flowchart.

Holy Taco provides this wonderful chart on the modern porn industry. If you watch/have watched porn in any capacity, this rings true every time.

This can be found pretty much anywhere on the internet, but I got this particular example from incredimazing.com. I love nearly every aspect of this flowchart, and for their effort they get an A+.