Shortened, Useless, and Asinine: The Story of the Words I Loath.

1. Legit-Unless you are MC Hammer, there is absolutely no reason to ever shorten the word legitimate. Look, I understand that that you want to sound cool. But really, this word used to be one that intelligent people implemented in a conversation to make idiots reconsider their educational choices in life (or lack there of).




2. Sesh-As in session. "Yo brah, we got a hookah sesh going on in the backyard if you're in." Ugh. Unlike legit, sesh makes me wonder about how lazy this generation is because really...it's one fucking syllable you're taking away.
   



3. Shawty-Yeah man, let's flatter a woman by subtly subjugating her!
   



4. Obvi-These four letters make my blood go from warm to piping hot. Obviously is a word that people use to point out things that people should see, and usually don't because they are idiots. For instance: "Hiroshima obviously made the Japanese pay fairly for the Rape of Nanking". Now if I was to say obvi there, I would sound like a jackass. You see my point?
   



5. Legitly-I know that I said legit already, but this is a word that deserves special attention. It's taking a dumb word and making it dumber. "Yo wifey, I just legitly fucked all twelve of the guys in that frat house!" Enjoy your worthless adverb, peons

Lucy in the Sky with Dumbasses.

LYKE OMG LOL. I don't even consider myself a huge Beatles fan, but you're definitely a jackass, good job.

Two of My Favorite Infomercials

Hey, you wanna get rid of that turkey neck? Feeling self-conscious about that fat just under your jaw? Do you have more chins than a Chinese phonebook? You should TOTALLY check this motherfucker out.



Let's not forget the ad that put my personal favorite, Giuseppe Franco, on the map. I really like how he makes it crystal clear that he knows nothing about how it works, but endorses it anyway...because it does.

I also really enjoy how the ad sets it up to the point where Franco appears to have some kind of posh ass clientelle. Look who shows up...

Stealing From Myself.

I was a big fan of this when I wrote it almost two years ago for another site.
The three most overused cliche's on social networking sites:
"Live. Love. Laugh." Oh god, who hasn't seen this incredibly teenage piece of garbage on someone's profile at some period of time. If this is honestly your philosophy in life, congratulations you're just like every other 12 (whenever girls realize that can have minds of their own)-27 year old female in the entire world. How exactly does one go about living? Is living going out and getting w@$tEd with all your friends living? Then i guess my body performing all its vital functions isn't living. Shit, I'm sooooo not alive right now. Love is tired, most love is dead, go live in China its a sausagefest over there anyway 60/40 male (you'll bag one for sure, even if you are a piece of suburban trash like every other person who says "live love laugh")..
"You only live once." Oh shut up with this one already. This is the first time that a soap opera will come into context in any of my writing. One Life To Live states this pretty well. You know what, I say you only die once, so when i do it's gonna be the most awesome death/funeral ever. Who knows how i will die but chances are, it's gonna be pretty awesome. As for my funeral, I plan on being chopped in half and sewed together with an ostrich...so classic. But back to my point, people use this phrase as an excuse to do anything. Binge drinking, necrophilia, heavy drugs, scat, sodomy, etc. Do yourself a favor, go get lobotomies, then people with real ideals can inherit the earth.
"Talk shit get hit." Seriously, ninety-five percent of people don't back that statement up even though they quote it like it's their job. How is it that this saying has spread so quickly and everyone from little eighth graders to however old people are on myspace nowadays are using it as if they know it's meaning. Yeah blah blah, there's a little picture in your profile that says it with a set of brass knuckles in the background. Have you ever seen a pair of brass knuckles? Nah, probably not.
Practice what you preach, assholes.

It's the little things.

In the past week, I have written a lot of prospective pieces for this blog. Ten by my count. This would be the first one I had any confidence in as far as quality goes. But on to my point I must go. There are a lot of little things in life that frustrate me, but I have found one recently that drives me absolutely off the fucking wall.

Now as a guy, I like the convenience that comes with having a penis. People know when I'm aroused, I can pee wherever I want really, and most importantly I can pee standing up. Yeah, life is pretty simple when it comes to the outflow of liquids...

...until I have to deal with this bullshit. Honestly, how can you make a toilet seat that doesn't stay up. It's like the punishment for having all the good perks. I now have to bend over whilst peeeing simply to hold the seat up so that I don't piss on it. Whoever invented a contraption such as this must have wanted everyone to sit down on this overly cushioned seat.

Ocean's 25 To Life.

There are way too many reasons for me to love Billy Ocean. But probably the most prominent one is the simple fact that he sings the anthem for kidnapping in general.

Whenever I walk down the street and see a van without windows, I usually think of it as a place where people go to be sexually abused in some regard. Billy Ocean, however, has taken it to a whole new level: he made all of these vans install sound systems so that they could seem like the fun place to be (while at the same time giving explicit instructions as to what to do and where to go with regards to the car/van).

Don't bring your drama to my blog.

Since it is that time of year for there to be small scale concerts at the colleges around the area, I figured I would let you in on a hidden gem on the scene. His name? KidTageous.

I know what you're thinking. That was simply...AMAZING. His rhymes are just so flawless, and his ability to dance supersedes even that. Just watch him bend his knees, keeping time like a metronome.

I guess I'm just rude.

So last night I was sitting in my apartment with two of my roommates and one of their girlfriends, just watching the Giants play the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football (totally had Mario Manningham on my fantasy team by the way...31 points!). I had posted a facebook status...which is apparently as connected to the world as one can get these days...about the noise that was coming from upstairs. I mocked the music, calling it "Olive Garden music" as well as later on turning into rave music.
Well let me tell you guys something: if you don't feel like dealing with a bunch of uppity sorority girls...don't do what I did. Luckily for me, I found it particularly funny. They came downstairs, knocked on our door in a rather upbeat manner, and they said that they were not having a "rave". I just kept saying "joke" over and over again because if I had intended to confront them on anything that they were doing on a weekend, I surely would have. I instead chose to make light of the situation on the good ol' internet, which not everyone seems to fully comprehend (it's understandable...they are sorority girls after all). The two girls were very different in their approaches to confronting someone. One was very apologetic, and said that it was the apartment above them that was making the ridiculous amount of noisy and disruptive music. The other girl took real offense to everything saying that "EVERYONE CAN SEE IT" referring to my status, and when the calm one tried to pacify her, she said "NO, IT'S RUDE".


Now honestly, did I think they were having a rave? No. Wanna know why?

Probably because they didn't look like this.

Seeing the direct correlation between someone saying an act was "SO RUDE", I decided to give the belligerent girl a new nickname...

Introducing the new STEPHANIE TANNER of my apartment building.

Congratulations, sweetheart. You've gained the title formerly held by an eight-year-old girl on an early nineties. You also falsely accused me of notifying the authorities of your excessive noise. I did not do any such thing, so get off your pedestal dear.

On a side note, the actual noise culprit decided that my calling his loud Italian...aka Sinatra...music (which he was playing whilst cooking) "Olive Garden music" was offensive. Why you ask? Because he's italian. Let me ask you something champ, ever been in an Olive Garden? Ever hear their music? My observation was spot-on, whereas your ability to recognize a good one is far from respectable.

All in all though, I guess I'm just rude.

Sigh Part III: The Aftermath.

Normally I'll let shit like this run it's course without saying a word. Normally. This whole fiasco has given birth to what could be the funniest meme since "Sup Dawg..." One of my associates, who will be known to all of you as "John Paul Kenya", told me that Kanye may be suicidal over the whole ordeal. At which point he ollowed up with this gem: "YO KANYE, I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'MMA LET YOU KILL YOURSELF, BUT COBAIN HAD ONE OF THE BEST SUICIDES OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME!"

Sigh Part Two: Overkill

Fuck off, get your spelling correct, and most importantly know that none of what you say mattered one bit.

Sigh.

Well, whatever faith in humanity that was left in my body is now long fucking gone. People actually give a shit about this Kanye West Taylor Swift thing. MTV is getting a boner from the sheer ratings right now, which ironically I'm fairly certain the spike in those ratings would look like on a line graph. Shame on you society, you have brought this upon us by making people in general give a fuck what celebrities do and think and wear. I hate the media, and this is a perfect example why.

...and you thought Kiss had ridiculous marketing.

Facing off.

When all else fails...


...give 'em the face.

The conversation I just had.

Friend: so i officially killed my unborn child. I need you to convince me it was a good idea.
Me: ...how old are you?
Me: what kind of job do you currently have?
Friend: thank you
Friend: i love how you convince me in 2 sentences

Abilidie

Really, just listen to how many of the side effects range from "serious" to "life threatening" or "deadly"

I Heart Huckabigotry

Smile

To the sorority cunts above my apartment,

You are not important enough for me to even communicate with verbally, seeing as how all of you have absolutely no comprehension of my vocabulary in the first place. But I figured it would at least attempt to compile some form of a large complaint against you on here before beginning some tactics that I intend to post in my next installment.
For you see, it is not polite to have a party every single night of the week...despite whatever you feel that your organization has to live up to. There are some people that actually have important work to do, and can't even begin to do so with people deciding to "dance"at any given time to generic dance/top 40 music blasting loud enough to shake a ceiling to the point where dust actually falls down on the occupants below them. On the same note, have you ever noticed that none of you can actually dance to begin with? The stomping that can be heard is in no way in a rhythmic manner, as a matter of fact...it sounds more like several elephants running on nothing but doses of tranquilizer heavy enough to make them hallucinate, but not heavy enough to actually bring them down. So really, stop chasing the leprechaun around your room, because it's just the date rape drug-riddled appletinis you've been consuming the whole time.
I love it when there are people outside of my ground floor apartment at all hours of the night, because it affords me the opportunity to go to the zoo from my current residence. It is truly incredible how people and animals respond to having a laser pointer on them in nearly the same way: they get confused, look around, and shrug it off. Then I hit them in the eye with it.
So this is my list of complaints and observations after living all of a week under you girls. I hope you fully understand...ah who am I kidding, you're all too busy with the cocks in your hands and mouth to look anywhere but at the patch of poorly shaved pubic hair in front of you anyway.

Any questions?

1. Is this news?
2. Is this relevant to his ability to play basketball?
3. Is this the first time this has happened in the last 25 years of the NBA?