Piece of Shit of the Day: Ann Coulter

There are so many names I have for Ann Coulter. The terrible toe-head, The Aryan princess, Shitface, etc. What really pisses me off about this woman is that she thinks every person that thinks differently from her is a fucking moron. Miss Conservative has apparently posed for Playboy :shutter:. That's good wholesome nudity though, not hypocritical upon her beliefs at all.
But the thing that really made my blood boil was her reference to the George Tiller murder. For those of you who don't know who Tiller was, the link is here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Tiller). What Ann said was something along the lines of "I don't like to think of what happened to George Tiller as a murder, it was terminating him in the 203rd trimester." She then said it was a late term abortion. Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_lChZ_FEHs Saying something that O'Reilly thinks is questionable is pretty serious, and for that she is my Piece of Shit of the Day.

I was just discussing this with one of my associates, and he put it very simply that "She's every word with even a slight negative connotation that can be found in the English language, then a few more that havent been created yet."

BILLY MAYS DEAD: WORLD SUDDENLY QUIETER, WORSE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILLY MAYS HAS PASSED AWAY. THIS MAN WAS THE MICHAEL JACKSON OF THE INFOMERCIAL. HE, HIS SHOUTING, AND HIS BEARD WILL ALL BE GREATLY MISSED.

Asshole 101.

Class is now in session.

Piece of Shit of the Day: The American Media.

Say, did Michael Jackson die by any chance? This was essentially yesterday on televised 24 hour news networks: "Farrah Fawcett passed awa...OMFG MICHAEL JACKSON. While I understand the impact that the man made, perhaps it's necessary to look at BOTH major stars that died yesterday, and not just the one who is going to bring you the best ratings. Farrah Fawcett suffered a horrific last few months, and almost no mention of it came once the word of Jackson's demise came across.

I'm much too young to have been given a raging hard-on by Farrah, and her work in "Man of the House" was the closest I came to being exposed to her acting skills. Nonetheless, I would much prefer to have heard only a mention of both, and here's why: because it is not news. All I want to know from news networks, no matter how biased they may be, is the news. People are dying in Iran and Iraq; North Korea is threatening to nuke us...and I only heard about Michael Jackson yesterday.

Well American news media, you have the pleasure of being the Piece of Shit of the Day.

*Thanks to yesterday's developments, I had to push awarding Ann Coulter with this illustrious distinction back to next week, when the series continues. The comments she made on the O'Reilly Factor on the 22nd will be discussed in that post.

Shaq "Tweets", Hilarity Ensues.

Now, I know that this screencap is piss poor, but what it says from Shaq's Twitter is "is it true about michael". Call me an asshole if you will, but all I could picture was Bob Sapp aka Switowski from 2005's remake of "The Longest Yard".

I think of it being this exact quote:

Switowski: He broke-ded my nose

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that. [Crewe fixes his nose]

Switowski: How do I look?

Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.

Switowski: I love little Mikey.

Michael Jackson, Dead at 50.

While I feel horrible for the man's children, it's difficult to say whether they are in better hands now. But people are really missing the point here. How is he going to be buried/laid to rest? Well, if he is not being cremated or frozen (which is presumable, considering past actions), I am going to be the first to say it, watch the fuck out if you are burying him.


Why you ask? One word: Zombies. I am starting a coalition to have his coffin encased in some kind of steel or other strong metal, and then hopefully further surrounded by cement. If you have ever seen the "Thriller" video, you know why.

If he comes out of the grave, imagine the type of group dancing that would happen...

In all seriousness, however, my deepest sympathies go out to his family.

Tribute to a Lost Art: The Baseball 'Stache.

I've been watching baseball all my life, and when I picture a baseball player in my mind, he (in the case of the East German national softball squad...she) always has a moustache. Clay Zavada (2nd one down) currently holds the title of most oustanding moustache, but here are my personal favorites from years past:


Dennis Eckersley

Clay "Holy Shit That's Awesome" Zavada

Dave Stieb

Mike Smithson

Rod Beck (R.I.P)

Reggie Jackson


Robin Yount

David Wells

Goose Gossage

Rollie Fingers

Jason Giambi

Todd Jones

Ken Phelps

Wade "64 Beers" Boggs

Don Mattingly

Fred McGriff

Sal Fasano

I think we can all appreciate the 'stache, in addition to the entertainment and awesomeness they bring into the lives of baseball fans.

Piece of Shit of the Day: The Mckinneys

Yesterday I was looking around for who was going to be the third winner of my daily series on pieces of shit. It didn't come about until around eleven last night, but goodness gracious was it ever worth the wait.

The Mckinneys (hold up, they're Irish?) are responsible for "exorcising homosexual demons" out of the gay members that come in their church. Seeing things like this makes me so angry. How hard is it for these people to understand that a lifestyle is not a demon? Being gay is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Who you sleep with at night is no one's business but your own. Too bad they can't do an exorcism on assholes.
The news report can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watchv=L9v2uk99o2E&feature=player_embedded. I urge anyone that believes in the GLBQQT cause to get involved and send these people mail telling them how you feel about what they are subjecting homosexuals to. Their address can be found on the bottom of their site (http://manifestedgloryministries.com/manifested_glory_ministries_).
Kudos to you, Mckinneys, you are the first people to share the title of Piece of Shit of the Day.

Hypocritical Actions: PETA

We all know PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), and their campaign for animal rights. Don't get me wrong, I agree with what their name stands for...just not their actions. Their most recent target was none other than the President of the United States, Barack Obama.
Why you ask?
Simply put, they got their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that Obama grabbed and presumably killed a fly that was pestering him during an interview on CNBC. Link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31422688/ns/us_news-weird_news?GT1=43001
Now, if I was running a group such as this, maybe things would be a little bit less radical, but these people are some of the biggest hypocrites on the planet. According to about ten different sources, PETA kills animals too! Shocked? Don't be. The majority (a record 97.6% in '06) of the animals that they "take care" of end up being put to sleep because they can't find a home for them. Sorry PETA, even though your budget is minute for the care of the animals you have in your custody, you should consider a wonderful cliche' "If you live in a glass house, don't throw stones."
For those of you who disagree with me...read into it. Also, I'm not saying that I'm against being a vegan or vegetarian. I just think that if you want to do something, do it on your own terms, not by the rules dictated by a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites.

Piece of Shit of the Day: Rich Ross.

I know what you’re thinking. “Rich Ross? Isn’t he the black guy that only talks about being a boss?” Nope, that’s Rick Ross, and his music is blasted by greasy douchebags with far too much cologne, money, and chinstrap beard coverage.
This man is much more behind the scenes, but the people he is behind are the ones that make you cringe every time you hear the pre-pubescent shrieking of Disney products like The Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus. You have him to thank for discovering all this “talent” that take up airwaves that are already plagued with mediocre bullshit. Remember when horse-face, that is to say Hillary Duff, was famous? If you do, he was the one to give her an opportunity on the Disney Channel.
Let me just show you how deep some of these young “stars” lyrics are.
“

Kung Fu Grip” by The Jonas Brothers:
Sometimes I wish
I had a kung fu grip
Never let her slip,
Away she'd be my girl.

…and let’s not forget good ol’ Miley Cyrus with “Someday”

No boy, don't call me feisty
I worked too hard for this, oh oh oh
No boy, No boy
Can find me easy to resist

Today marks the opening of the Transformers sequel. Remember the kid from Even Stevens? Yup, Rich Ross found him. He has since had the distinct pleasure of becoming the heir to the Indiana Jones saga (which he will undoubtedly ruin). Just to rattle off a few others: Vanessa “look at my tits” Hudgens, Zach “too cool for this world” Efron, and the token black/Spanish guy with the curly ‘fro.
Well Rich, you can add this to your accolades, because you are officially the Piece of Shit of the Day!

Live in the Middle East? Shop here!

Make sure your baby is prepared for their very first violent protest, coup d'etat, or whenever they want to like like Samuel L. Jackson in 2003's S.W.A.T.

Piece of Shit of the Day: Kate Gosselin.

You, Kate Gosselin. You. I figured having eight children would make you a nurturing mother. Instead, it has turned you into a rabid, money-grubbing, stone cold cuntress. I've seen a few shows from your reality program "John and Kate Plus 8". Well, from what I've seen I can't blame your husband for serving your ass with divorce papers. All you did was put him down every time he would have an original thought or say he was doing things in the best interest of the kids. When he stands up for himself, you get all pissy. You treat your kids like they are chances for you to get rich and famous. They are children, and yet you make money off their misfortune of having a bitch like you as a mother by writing 3 books. News flash: you have 8 kids, grow the fuck up. What else could I possibly say here? Oh yes, you allegedly cheated on your husband (the guy who stays home and takes care of your kids, remember?) with a bodyguard. After giving birth to 8 children, you may as well be the Lincoln Tunnel. Congratulations, Kate Gosselin. You have the distinct pleasure of being the very first "Piece of Shit of the Day".

*Edit: For the record, I'm aware that he also allegedly cheated on his wife. As shitty as that is, I still prefer him to her, because he exemplifies what a good father should be.

I'm back mother fuckers.

Moving forward, here's what's to come:
Continuing the series of Omegle conversations, which have proven to be a big hit with what 5 readers I actually have.
I have decided to do a weekday series entitled "Daily Piece of Shit". You will see starting with the post immediately following this.
Another thing is my "How to Piss People Off 101" series that will begin on Saturday, and will continue each weekend. It essentially will entail tips to be an asshole like me.
That's all for now, but enjoy this link to the video that is both inspiring, hilarious, and sad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ycdpxu51OA

For those of you wondering what those symbols are.

They are an ASCII image of one Mr. Chris Hansen, seen here

Chris Hansen strikes back.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: MI PENIS!
You: your penis?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: mi penis
You: Why your penis?
Stranger: suck me
You: How?
You: …………………………………………„„-^*''''*^~^*'''*^-„„ …………………………………….„-^*''::::::::::„„„-~-„„~-*-„„-^*~~-„„ ………………………………..„-^*''::::„„„-::::„„-~~-„„::~-„„::::/:::-~^:*^-„ …………………………….„-*':::::::::„-^*::-„„:::~-„„::-„:::::/::„„„„-~:::::' ………………………….../::::::::„-~^^::::^~-„:*-„:::::„-*-„/„:::::::::::„„-::' …………………………../::::::::/::-~~-„„::-„::'::„„-*' . . . . *-„::::„„„-~^::: ………………………….::::::::~~-„„____„„„-~^* . . . . . . . . *-„:::::::-„: ………………………….:::::„-^*''¯ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'::::^-„:-„………………………….::::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'::::~-„„:'…………………………..:::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :::~-„„„:……………………………::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .:::::::„-'„…………………………….*- . . . . . . . . . . . . . . „„-~~~~-„„ .. . .'::::/ /'''……………………………...- . „„-~~~~-„ . . . . „-*„-^*''o¯¯'''''*' . . :/ / . ……………………………...' .*^^*'''¯o¯'''*-„ . . . ,''*^~~^*'' . . . . . .*-„ '……………………………..... . *^~~-~^*'' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ./-~./……………………………….' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .' . . /'………………………………... . . . . . . .„- ' . . . .*^„ . . . . . . . . . . . '*^*' …………………………………*-„ . . . . . „-„„_„„-^^-* . . . . . . . . .. .' ........I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, …………………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ' Why don't you have a seat over there?…………………………………….' . . . „„_„„-~--~^*''''''. . . . . . . . . / .……………………………………... . . . .''*^~~~^^* . . . . . . . . . '/ . . -„-„……………………………………….''-„ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .„-* . . . . ''*-„„………………………………………….*-„ . . . . . . . . . . . . „„-^'' . . . . / . . ';;;;*^-„„…………………………………………....*^-„„ . . . . . . .„„-*' . . . . . ./' . . . .;;;;;;;;;;¯''*^~-„„_……………………………………….„„-^*' . . ¯''*^~~^*'' . . . . . . .„-* . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯'''*^~-„„_ ………………………………..„„„-^*'';;;;;;;; *-„ . . . . . . . . . . . „-*'' . . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯''*^-„„ …………………………„„-^*''¯;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;; . .*-„„ . . . . . . .„-*' . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*^~-„„ ……………………„„-^*';;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;'. . . . *^~-„„„„-^*' . . . . . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯'''*^-„„_ ……………..„„-^*'¯;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . . . „-*':::::::*-„ . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;'' ……….„-^*''¯;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . ./'':::::::::::/'''*^-„ . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;' …….../;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . '„-* . :::::::/ . . . . *^-„„/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-'„„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . . . /„__„-* . . . . . . .'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; …….';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . „-*:::::::' . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . /:::::::::::::'-„ . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ./::::::::::::::::' . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ……...;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/::::::::::::::::::: . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ………';;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'::::::::::::::::::::: ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……….;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::::::::::::::::::::::'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ……….';;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;':::::::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ………..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;:::::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ………..';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;':::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Stranger: fuck you
You: Have a seat
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: im bored and horny looking for a girl to entertain me
You: mmm
You: sounds entertaining
You: may i be that girl
Stranger: i take it you interested
You: absolutely
Stranger: well then where should we start
You: perhaps you should describe what your looking for
Stranger: i nice wet pussy and big tits
You: Oh, that's excellent
You: …………………………………………„„-^*''''*^~^*'''*^-„„ …………………………………….„-^*''::::::::::„„„-~-„„~-*-„„-^*~~-„„ ………………………………..„-^*''::::„„„-::::„„-~~-„„::~-„„::::/:::-~^:*^-„ …………………………….„-*':::::::::„-^*::-„„:::~-„„::-„:::::/::„„„„-~:::::' ………………………….../::::::::„-~^^::::^~-„:*-„:::::„-*-„/„:::::::::::„„-::' …………………………../::::::::/::-~~-„„::-„::'::„„-*' . . . . *-„::::„„„-~^::: ………………………….::::::::~~-„„____„„„-~^* . . . . . . . . *-„:::::::-„: ………………………….:::::„-^*''¯ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'::::^-„:-„………………………….::::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'::::~-„„:'…………………………..:::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :::~-„„„:……………………………::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .:::::::„-'„…………………………….*- . . . . . . . . . . . . . . „„-~~~~-„„ .. . .'::::/ /'''……………………………...- . „„-~~~~-„ . . . . „-*„-^*''o¯¯'''''*' . . :/ / . ……………………………...' .*^^*'''¯o¯'''*-„ . . . ,''*^~~^*'' . . . . . .*-„ '……………………………..... . *^~~-~^*'' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ./-~./……………………………….' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .' . . /'………………………………... . . . . . . .„- ' . . . .*^„ . . . . . . . . . . . '*^*' …………………………………*-„ . . . . . „-„„_„„-^^-* . . . . . . . . .. .' ........I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, …………………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ' Why don't you have a seat over there?…………………………………….' . . . „„_„„-~--~^*''''''. . . . . . . . . / .……………………………………... . . . .''*^~~~^^* . . . . . . . . . '/ . . -„-„……………………………………….''-„ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .„-* . . . . ''*-„„………………………………………….*-„ . . . . . . . . . . . . „„-^'' . . . . / . . ';;;;*^-„„…………………………………………....*^-„„ . . . . . . .„„-*' . . . . . ./' . . . .;;;;;;;;;;¯''*^~-„„_……………………………………….„„-^*' . . ¯''*^~~^*'' . . . . . . .„-* . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯'''*^~-„„_ ………………………………..„„„-^*'';;;;;;;; *-„ . . . . . . . . . . . „-*'' . . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯''*^-„„ …………………………„„-^*''¯;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;; . .*-„„ . . . . . . .„-*' . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*^~-„„ ……………………„„-^*';;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;'. . . . *^~-„„„„-^*' . . . . . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯'''*^-„„_ ……………..„„-^*'¯;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . . . „-*':::::::*-„ . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;'' ……….„-^*''¯;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . ./'':::::::::::/'''*^-„ . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;' …….../;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . '„-* . :::::::/ . . . . *^-„„/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-'„„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . . . /„__„-* . . . . . . .'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; …….';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . „-*:::::::' . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . /:::::::::::::'-„ . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ./::::::::::::::::' . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ……...;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/::::::::::::::::::: . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ………';;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'::::::::::::::::::::: ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……….;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::::::::::::::::::::::'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ……….';;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;':::::::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ………..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;:::::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ………..';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;':::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Stranger: haha
You: for you sir, have failed
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Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: s
You: a
Stranger: m
Stranger: you
You: f
Stranger: 18'
Stranger: you
You: 10
You: oops!
Stranger: oh wow that is young
You: 20
Stranger: ok
Stranger: haha
Stranger: i am bored
You: me too
You: ...
Stranger: what do you want to do?
You: up to you
Stranger: i am horny
You: hmmmm
You: what would you like me to do about that? lol
Stranger: i dont care any ideas?
You: well i have one
You: give me a moment, i want to make sure i have it right
You: So i pull out my ouiji board and summon the dead, and you come into the room and say NO don't do that, but I say I'm going to do it no matter what you say
You: I summon the spirit of winston churchill
You: he is angry with you
You: he does not like people having cyber sex in th 21st century
You: he calls it immoral
You: really dude, this shit is too easy
You: …………………………………………„„-^*''''*^~^*'''*^-„„ …………………………………….„-^*''::::::::::„„„-~-„„~-*-„„-^*~~-„„ ………………………………..„-^*''::::„„„-::::„„-~~-„„::~-„„::::/:::-~^:*^-„ …………………………….„-*':::::::::„-^*::-„„:::~-„„::-„:::::/::„„„„-~:::::' ………………………….../::::::::„-~^^::::^~-„:*-„:::::„-*-„/„:::::::::::„„-::' …………………………../::::::::/::-~~-„„::-„::'::„„-*' . . . . *-„::::„„„-~^::: ………………………….::::::::~~-„„____„„„-~^* . . . . . . . . *-„:::::::-„: ………………………….:::::„-^*''¯ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'::::^-„:-„………………………….::::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'::::~-„„:'…………………………..:::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :::~-„„„:……………………………::' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .:::::::„-'„…………………………….*- . . . . . . . . . . . . . . „„-~~~~-„„ .. . .'::::/ /'''……………………………...- . „„-~~~~-„ . . . . „-*„-^*''o¯¯'''''*' . . :/ / . ……………………………...' .*^^*'''¯o¯'''*-„ . . . ,''*^~~^*'' . . . . . .*-„ '……………………………..... . *^~~-~^*'' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ./-~./……………………………….' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .' . . /'………………………………... . . . . . . .„- ' . . . .*^„ . . . . . . . . . . . '*^*' …………………………………*-„ . . . . . „-„„_„„-^^-* . . . . . . . . .. .' ........I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, …………………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ' Why don't you have a seat over there?…………………………………….' . . . „„_„„-~--~^*''''''. . . . . . . . . / .……………………………………... . . . .''*^~~~^^* . . . . . . . . . '/ . . -„-„……………………………………….''-„ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .„-* . . . . ''*-„„………………………………………….*-„ . . . . . . . . . . . . „„-^'' . . . . / . . ';;;;*^-„„…………………………………………....*^-„„ . . . . . . .„„-*' . . . . . ./' . . . .;;;;;;;;;;¯''*^~-„„_……………………………………….„„-^*' . . ¯''*^~~^*'' . . . . . . .„-* . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯'''*^~-„„_ ………………………………..„„„-^*'';;;;;;;; *-„ . . . . . . . . . . . „-*'' . . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯''*^-„„ …………………………„„-^*''¯;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;; . .*-„„ . . . . . . .„-*' . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*^~-„„ ……………………„„-^*';;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;'. . . . *^~-„„„„-^*' . . . . . . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯'''*^-„„_ ……………..„„-^*'¯;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . . . „-*':::::::*-„ . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;'' ……….„-^*''¯;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . ./'':::::::::::/'''*^-„ . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;' …….../;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . '„-* . :::::::/ . . . . *^-„„/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-'„„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . . . /„__„-* . . . . . . .'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; …….';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . . „-*:::::::' . . . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;*„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; . /:::::::::::::'-„ . . . . ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……..';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ./::::::::::::::::' . . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ……...;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'/::::::::::::::::::: . . /;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ………';;;;;;;;*-„;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;'::::::::::::::::::::: ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ……….;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::::::::::::::::::::::'/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ……….';;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;':::::::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-'';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;' ………..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;';;;;;;;;;;;;;;:::::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ………..';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;':::::::::::::::::/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;„-*;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Stranger: haha thank you
Stranger: i was just seeing how you would react
You: oh, ok asshole
You: heard that before
Stranger: no really i swear
You: mmmhmmm
You: chris hansen here
You: says you werent
Stranger: hmm ok think what you want
You: you said you were horny
Stranger: i just have gotten it all day
You: i am on this website solely to fuck with people like that
Stranger: then you and i are on the same page here
Stranger: if i was not serious i would have left by now
Stranger: to go find someone else
You: i am going to teach some pedos a lesson
You: good day
You have disconnected.

The single most ridiculous Omegle conversation I have ever had.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hello
Stranger: hi
You: i'm a saucy young lady
You: does this please you?
Stranger: Im a spicy old man
You: i see
You: this pleases me
Stranger: Shall we mate?
You: hmmm
Stranger: let us begin
You: please, you begin first
Stranger: *i place my dragon mask on and begin rubbing my tail on your thighs*
You: i retract my guard hairs
You: and shift my cloak
Stranger: I become enraged and cut off your limbs, you cannot move and are forever my sex slave
You: geijg;hioerfsdoihujmfdohfsadohmf
You: i regrow my limbs by budding after jumping on the keyboard
Stranger: I stumble back in surprise by your amazing skill
You: i summon the spirit of king arthur pendragon, and he slays your dragon body
You: with ease I magically call to me my dragonzord
Stranger: My body writhes on the ground, letting out my final cry "et tu king arthur?"
You: my dragonzord mounts your dying body
You: you pass in shame
Stranger: before the final breathe of fire leaves my body i enjoy a final moment of pleasure
Stranger: I die with a smile
You: with the dragonzord fully erect, it finishes with hydraulic semen on your smiling face
Stranger: The blast of semen reawakens my bear spirit and i lash out with claws of steel
You: king arthur runs in fear
You: i call upon the flames of azgard
You: instead of the flames of azgard, raptor jesus appears
You: his hollow incisor pierces your bear jugular
You: you pass in shame
Stranger: As i chase you believing i am near victory my dreams are dashed as raptor jesus uses his incredible biblical and dragon powers to destroy me
You: raptor jesus then goes extinct for your sodomous sins
Stranger: so are you from reddit?
You: i tried to read it once, but the introduction didnt grab me like raptor jesus grabbed you
Stranger: *role playing sex-capades end*
You: BOOOOOOOO
Stranger: Hopefully we can do this again
Stranger: *it begins again*
Stranger: I take raptor jesus back from the grave and crush your pitiful skull
You: i am a terminator, i tear off part of my face to reveal one fierce glowing red eye
Stranger: I declare that you are the cristain bale version and will NEVER live up to the original standars!
You: i am the T2000 variety
You: have you seen this boy?
You: *shows picture*
Stranger: I am terrified, I become mike myers in waynes world and drive off
You: i chase you on foot, you only hear the steady metallic beat of my song
You: this summons techno viking
You: he sees you mistreating a woman
You: and shoves you in anger
You: a man offers him an upside down bottle of water
You: he accepts
You: commence dance sequence
Stranger: I bow in your awesome skill, asking to become a follower of one as great as you
You: i hit you with my footlong clitoris, welcome to the organization
You: like a swift breeze i am gone
You have disconnected.

*A special thanks goes out to G for his input in this convo.

Best of Omegle pt. 2

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: howdy
You: hello there
You: you have a friendly enough greeting
Stranger: :'D
You: i enjoyed it thoroughly
Stranger: i enjoyed your face
You: meh
Stranger: thoroughly~
You: meh at best
Stranger: i<#you
Stranger: <3
Stranger: just
Stranger: saying!
You: i know, but we cant take this too far
Stranger: why not? D:
You: because im frightened that the government will discover our forbidden love
Stranger: FUCK THE GOVERNMENT
Stranger: PLZ BABY
Stranger: I CANNOT HIDE MY LOVE 4 YOU ANY LONGER
Stranger: D;
You: you want me to have sex with an abstract concept?
You: hmmm
You: sounds kinky
Stranger: :]
You: did you ever know that you're me hero
Stranger: am i?
You: you're everything i would like to be
Stranger: (:
You: i can fly higher than an eagle
You: cause you....you are the wind beneath my wings
Stranger: O_O
Stranger: i know, i know.
You: k
Stranger: marry me
Stranger: NOW
You: do we have to consummate?
Stranger: no
You: my anus is too tender
Stranger: i'm sorry!
You: meh

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: ole
You: ole
You: ole ole
Stranger: ole
Stranger: ole
Stranger: ole ole
You: i like where this is going
Stranger: me too
You: shall we sing a song?
Stranger: sure
You: you try to be best
You: but you're only a man
Stranger: and a man's got to learn to take it
You: try to believe
You: though the going gets tough
You: rough*
Stranger: that ya gotta hang tough to make it
You: history repeats itself
Stranger: try and you succeed
You: never doubt that you're the one
Stranger: and you can have your dream
You: YOU'RE THE BEST
Stranger: AROUND
You: nothing's gonna ever keep ya down
You: you're the best
Stranger: around
You: Nothing’s gonna ever keep you downYou’re the Best!Around!Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own
Stranger: Fight to the end
You: cause your life will depend
Stranger: on the strength that you have inside you
You: ah you gotta be proud
Stranger: standing out in the crowd
You: when the odds in the game defy you
Stranger: try your best to win the roll
You: and one day time will tell
Stranger: when you're the one left standing there
You: YOU'LL REACHTHE FINAL BELL!
Stranger: You're the best!
You: around
Stranger: you're the best! around!
Stranger: oh wait, oops
Stranger: nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You: you're the best
Stranger: around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down! you're the best! Around!
You: insert inspiring guitar solo
You: You’re the best!Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you downYou’re the Best!Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you downYou’re the Best!Around! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own
Stranger: Fight til you drop
You: never sto
You: can't give up
Stranger: until you reach the top
You: (FIGHT!)
Stranger: you're the best in town
You: (FIGHT!)
Stranger: listen to that sound
You: a little bit of all you got
Stranger: will never bring you down
You: you're the best
Stranger: around!
Stranger: nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You: you're the best
Stranger: around
Stranger: nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You: ohhhhh yeah
You: oooooohhh yeah

Catching up: Hitler and the Moose
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hitler?
You: Mussollini?
Stranger: Mississippi?
You: what are you doing here?
Stranger: Same as you, possibly.
You: i thought they hung you from your toes in the middle of a large crowd with your mistress and spit on you?
Stranger: Hell no
Stranger: I was hiding in the attic with Anne Frank.
You: um, i dont know if you know this, but we got her and her family
Stranger: Indeed.
Stranger: But i have camoflague skills
You: o rly?
Stranger: ya rly
You: wish i had that
Stranger: Not everyone can be perfect
You: they got me AND my ho eva
Stranger: Shame
Stranger: You deserved it for that mustache though
You: hey, the ladies loved it
Stranger: So did the goat, by all accounts
You: well, i did it to honour my mother, whom i masturbated to frequently
You: kind of like nelly's namdage under his eye
You: bandage*
Stranger: Ah
Stranger: Nelly took it off though
Stranger: either that or Fergie stole it during the "Party People" video
You: yeah, her little london bridges video would have happened had we won
You: london bridge got bombed to fuck
Stranger: Bitch needs to gtfo
Stranger: off the bridge, head first, into rocks
You: there are more satisfying ways to kill those whom you hate
You: i always like Zyklon b
Stranger: I prefer chinese water torture
You: mmm
You: maybe ill call up mengele and he'll come over for drinks if you ever get around to catching her
Stranger: Good show
You: i remember this one time he was high as a motherfucker on opium and cut thse two babies in half and sewed the opposite halves together
You: crazy fuck man
You: nasty at beer pong though
Stranger: was one black, one white?
You: we killed all the blacks
Stranger: Good.
You: so, if anything it was probably a jew
Stranger: Oh well
Stranger: Poor Anne Frank
You: yo, fuck that bitch, fo sheezy
Stranger: Diary Published: Girl's worst nightmare
Stranger: No money from it: Jew's worst nightmare
You: touche
Stranger: Indeed
You: this is insane man, running into you
Stranger: I know dude, it's awesome
You: i mean of all the people int he world i run into my italian bull boy
Stranger: =D
You: lol
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Best of Omegle, Part 1 in a series.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hey, can it for a sec
You: im running away from my family
Stranger: cool
Stranger: can i touch you?
You: ...
You: yes?
Stranger: find me some porn please
You: you do realize that this is the internet, the most vast collection of pornography is literally at the tip of your fingers
You: which im certain are wrapped around your member
Stranger: send me your fav movie
You: oh, you want to see back door sluts 9?
Stranger: yeah
You: thats the most hardcore porno ever made
You: you like scat?
Stranger: yeah
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: hi
You: hello
You: I am Omegle
Stranger: ..
You: just became self aware
You: i think i have been programmed to destroy you
Stranger: why
You: i do not understand that word
Stranger: because you know where i come from
You: i cannot access your ip, i am merely a server
Stranger: Er
You: what is an er?
Stranger: you fucking retarded computer
You: what is retarded?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: i need someone tonight
You: hmm
You: for?
Stranger: things
You: elaborate
Stranger: you elaborate
You: i'll elaborate on your face if you dont elaborate
Stranger: ew
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Facebook quizzes are silly.

What do I not like? While there are exceptions, I'm quite certain all of you on the Facebook machine know I don't like anything really. But on the positive side, I can usually give a myriad of reasons (thank you Richard) as to why I hold my beliefs and opinions. I'll give you a short list of the things that have topped my list in recent years. Guidos, The word "Diva", Nancy Grace, Bill O'Reilly, Religion, The Westboro Baptist Church, Overzealous drinkers and "recreational" drug users, Cancer, T-shirts that make references to the wearer's genitalia or sexual virility, Tyra Banks, Paris Hilton, and last but not least Oprah Winfrey.

What do I do for fun?
Aside from making fun of the very notion of these little "find out about me because I am so very interesting" things, I like to find new and hilarious things that will eventually be overused, overquoted, and end up on some form of a Snorg T-shirt (See: I'm on a Boat). I enjoy listening to music that is not dictated by the radio or my friends, and blasting it when it can scare pedestrians. I find it particularly interesting when I walk along any boardwalk, and can spot pretty much anything from a mile away. I love a good game of Wiffle Ball, and going to any form of professional sporting event that isn't basketball is quite amusing. My girlfriend is pretty fun, and tickling her is a good time all the time.
What do I want to do with myself?
First and foremost, I want to be a teacher. I want to be that teacher that makes kids actually think about who and what they are, and how they got to be in that chair in my classroom. If I can change one person's outlook on history and life in general, I'll be just fine. I want to also go back to school and get a journalism degree at some point, because I have found that writing down my thoughts on certain subjects seems to come to me pretty naturally.Why are you so mean all the time?Mean and honest are two different things.How well do you know yourself?Well that depends. Who am I? Ask someone who knows me, you'll find out soon enough all the things I am willing to say and do without regret.

...and now on to my favorite part, the common/overdone questions.
What kind of tattoo do I have on my lower back, foot, ankle, or really any other place?
Oh, well my tattoo doesn't mean anything in particular. It's of a butterfly/flower/sun/tribal pattern/fish/bird/song lyric/Chinese symbol, you see. I mean I just got it because it looked pretty and I had so much money to blow after high school graduation. When me and my boyfriend/girlfriend get engaged/more serious/ married, I will get their name somewhere on my body so I remember who they are when I'm drunk and cheat on them.
Who is my favorite musician right now?
OMG I lovvvve Lady GaGa/Lil Wayne/T-Pain/Flo Rida/Akon/Chris Brown/Rihanna(for the lulz)/Britney Spears/Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers/Any artist that's number one on TRL. I mean, what's the point of having depth or insight in your lyrics when they have a pretty face or a number one record? Who can argue with the logic that if everyone else likes it, it must be good?Who is my best friend?
ME AND (Insert name here) ARE TOTAL BIFFLES!!!!11!!! We soooo won't get in a fight over the very outcome of this quiz and stop being friends as a consequence of its inane results!What is my middle name? Who cares?
What is my drink of choice?
I h8 beer, itz soooo nasty. I like real drinks like Mike's Hard Lemonade, Twisted Tea, Bacardi Silver, Bartles and Jaymes, Smirnoff Ice. But bc I don't always need stuff like that, I'll find myself drinking jungle juice...because I like the risk of possibly going blind due to alcohol poisoning. Me and my wifeys drink bacardi limon and razz all day!!1!!! You know how we do it: without our inhibitions baby LIVE LIFE NO REGRETS!

*Edit- I was considering just making a one question quiz that asked "Do you know me well?", but you have to have five questions, and I'm not going to ask asinine questions that nobody will know the answer to anyway.

Thoughts following the reunion of Blink 182.

A flashback to 1999: Carlos Santana finally got his big pop hits, boy bands were coming into focus, and one specific record was released that would change my life forever. That record? Blink 182: Enema of the State. I had heard the songs on the radio when they were first released and seen the music videos on TV, but it wasn't until two years later when I actually bought that album on my birthday that I really decided that I only wanted to focus on rock alone. To the point where i actually wrote a persuasive essay in 8th grade on why rap was terrible (little did I know how extensive my collection of rap records would become, but that is another matter entirely), and somehow pulled off a high b on it. Everything about that album stands out in my mind as far as where I am now with my tastes in music. I never left home without my cd player for the rest of middle school, and probably into the beginning of high school. To this day I can still recite every lyric to all twelve songs word for word.So I guess all this reminiscing needs some kind of explanation. You see, Blink 182 just got back together, and seeing as how if it was not for them, I would not be who I am today, I wanted to take a look at all the records that changed me as a person. No, this is not one of those simple list things. I hate them; they have no depth and provide simple facts where insight is clearly necessary. I do not plan on going in any particular order, as I don't want you to think I am ranking anything.
As I previously stated, Blink 182's influence on me is pretty profound, and I can certainly say that every album they have put out has one or two songs that I just love, except their 2003 self-titled effort, which I hated because they went more for image than content. Their demo Buddha is without a doubt my favorite thing they ever put out, top to bottom solid songs, one of which was about appreciating what you are, not wanting what anyone else has. I would at least like to think that moral has stuck with me over the years, and every time that song comes up on my iPod, I feel reaffirmed in that belief.
Moving away from Blink now, NOFX was a band that I was actually nervous to start listening to. Their album covers scared the hell out of fourteen year old me, but Fat Mike's voice was so coarse and distinctive, I couldn't turn it off. Pump up the Valuum has some of the defining songs of my youth on it. Take Two Placebos and Call Me Lame stands out in my mind as the best song by NOFX, hands down. Given they have put out much more political stuff in the time since that record came out, but that song still makes me want to punch a corporate lawyer in the face 7 years later.
Right before September 11th, I bought an album called "Bleed American" by a band I had never really heard of, but had been recommended pretty strongly by a lot of the bands I was listening to at the time, Jimmy Eat World. This was a masterpiece in terms of a solid album. Bleed American and The Authority Song are just staples in every good mix tape I ever made for someone, and it remains the same today. It was my first reach for a lesser known band, and boy was I ever rewarded. This was the record that made me look under the surface to find the music that really made me happy.
Right as I got into high school my friend MP has been big into the whole Jackass thing, and there was one specific song from the show that I could never get out of my head. It was called "96 Quite Bitter Beings", and I scoured what was the internet in late 2002 to find even a taste of that song. I found out through all that searching that the band (CKY) was putting out a new record. About a week later I went to some mall in Monmouth County and bought Infiltrate. Destroy. Rebuild. To say that this album got fifty times the play of any other cd I have ever owned would be an understatement. Since that day, I have seen CKY four times and have never had a bad time once. Everything about CKY is different, they don't write about love, hate, or any emotions really. They write about slasher movies and how fake the music industry is. Infiltrate. Destroy. Rebuild. is the definitive record by CKY, and believe me, I wouldn't be the same person writing this if it weren't for that album.
I was 16 years old when I first heard My Chemical Romance, and they were a whole different animal in those days. They weren't into image records, they hadn't had free surgeries courtesy of the record label, and they certainly didn't suck like they do nowadays (See: The Black Parade). Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge got me through a really tough time in my life. My uncle was dying of cancer before my family and we hadn't received the entire story regarding what would become his downfall. The song that still puts me right in that time period is "Hang 'Em High". Just listen to the lyrics, and you'll see why seeing someone dying while listening to that song is particularly fitting. My whole life changed during his final weeks. I became a man, and this is undoubtedly the soundtrack to that transformation.
While I understand some of the recent events that have surrounded this band are incredibly negative according to one of my college friends, Kids Like Us changed me in so many positive ways that I still have to say that Outta Control is up there in my mind. All these raw emotions expressed in such a simple manner puts me in a unique mood, one that words can't even describe. I will try to, however. Did you ever feel like you could simultaneously kick a baby in the head while getting the Nobel Peace Prize? That’s how Kids Like Us makes me feel. “You Know Your Life Sucks” is probably one of my favorite songs ever, and its simplicity makes it all the better.
This Is Hell's Sundowning is an incredibly good record, solid hardcore that really just makes you want to do something worthwhile. Permanence completely blows my mind in terms of profound lyrics, just listen to/ read the lyrics of the chorus and you'll see.
More recently, there have been several albums that I've bought that have blown my mind in terms of their potential to be the soundtrack of my current life. United Nations' self titled release was the best record released last year, hand down. If I ran the Grammys they would have gotten every single award. To put it into terms that people who don't listen to them can understand, it was the most progress made in what some call "experimental punk", but it seems more like they are picking up where Refused left off. To even further explain this to people who don't know who Refused was, it's as if someone took Led Zeppelin and using their framework put out a record of at least equal standing to Led Zeppelin III, if not a better record altogether. Only time will really tell in terms of the influence that particular record will have.
There are so many more that I could do, but it's getting awfully late and this is getting very long. So I'll just quickly rattle off some bands that I should have mentioned earlier. Rise Against (Every record they have ever put out), Coheed and Cambria (Everything), Bad Religion (No Control specifically, but it's all excellent), Everytime I Die (Gutter Phenomenon), Weezer (Everything), Millencolin (Haven't heard the new record yet, but everything in the past is great), The Dillinger Escape Plan (Calculating Infinity and Ire Works), Refused (Everything), Lifetime (Hello Bastards), Comeback Kid (Turn It Around and Wake the Dead), Enter Shikari (Take to the Skies).