I pull up to Gia's house around 7pm. I know I'm already late, but hopefully the excitement of today will surpass my tardiness. I step out of my car and into the July heat. My junior prom dress sticks to me like glue, green and glittering in the sun. I walk up Gia's front porch and notice that some of her high school graduation decorations are still hanging on the rocking chairs. "We're gonna have to ditch those before Sarah gets here..." I think to myself. After all, we already had our high school graduation parties... What sort of decorations do you need for a mock wedding?
Bart and Sarah were our group couple. They started dating after they vomited on each other at a party... and for a while... that was as far as their intimacy went. Neither of them had ever been in a serious relationship. Sarah didn't communicate, and Bart was oblivious. As you can imagine, their relationship was awkward and far from perfect. So, during one of our last days of high school lunch, Gia started talking about how she wanted to have one last party before we all went away so that we had an excuse to wear our old prom dresses and get hammered. A perfect combination. Gia whipped around to face Bart and sarcastically screamed, "ASK SARAH TO MARRY YOU SO WE CAN HAVE A MOCK WEDDING!"
Bart was down. Gia was stoked. It was agreed that we wouldn't mention a word of it to Sarah. The rest of us thought it'd never happen.
The next thing I know, it's the end of July and I'm walking into Gia's front living room, and there are bacholorette party decorations hung every where.
"You're late, you bitch! Bart just proposed to Sarah in the middle of Food Town. Apparently, Sarah can't tell if he's serious or not, and hasn't spoken a word in over five minutes. Now pour Shawn another drink so he can prepare to strip! Did you bring Sarah's dress?"
"Yea, I have it." I hand Gia a bag with a white crumpled strapless dress that Sarah had worn under her graduation gown. I snuck it out of her house the last time I was there. Just call me 007.
"Whit-I don't know if I can do this." I meet Shawn's gaze and can see that he's halfway to drunk and terrified. He's been elected to be Sarah's stripper, but I doubt Shawn has ever danced in front of anyone or anything...maybe a computer monitor after he cracked some internet code or made out with his external hard-drive. I pour out two shots of Bacardi Razz, the ultimate drink of my graduating class, and down one simultaneously with Shawn. "You'll be fine, broseph." I pat him on the back and walk away.
Sarah arrives, speechless. Shawn strips (honestly, it was sort of hot... but...sort of weird). We all move into the backyard for Mad-Lib wedding vows ("You may now kiss the tampon..."). Someone has made a four tier cake, we watch the bride and groom dance, everything is going well. 
That is, until the groom leans over to Gia and whispers, "You know.... it's okay that this party sucks..."
Well. That was all Gia needed to hear. There were probably about 15 of our closest friends at the party. We had incredible amounts of alcohol and good music. But Bart was right. It was sort of lame. And Gia didn't plan this mock wedding to be lame.
"Whitney. Call everyone you know. I want this party to be balls to the walls ridiculous. Got it?"
At 9pm, I break out my LG flip phone and start texting people... At 10pm, there are 60 people in Gia's backyard, doing kegstands in business casual. This party is seriously taking off. It's gonna be a good night, tator.
Around 11, I walk out to Gia's front yard and pop a squat, Indian style in the middle of her dead end street. I take out of my phone to spit some game at the newest dude I've been hooking up with... he was supposed to come to the mock wedding as my date, but wound up having to ditch out due to family commitments...so you know...I'm calling to make sure that's what he's really doing. And to remind him that I'm tan, in a dress, and tipsy. That might change his mind on the whole "family commitments" thing. As I'm sitting in the road, I see an unfamiliar car rolling towards me. "Hold on one sec Joe...I'm gonna call you back in a minute..." As the car passes under the nearest street light I can make out the outline of red and blue lights strapped down to the top of the car. I slowly get up and make my way into the backyard, looking at the ground, and shuffling my feet faster and faster until I break out into a run...
cops... cops... cops... cops.... COPS!!!!!!!
to be continued.
Audaces fortuna iuvat,
-Whit
You know how to keep a audience wanting more.
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