The Six Head

Last night, I chose to go to one of my favorite bars in my town with two of my buddies that I play fantasy football with: Smelly and Louis. The names, as usual, are changed to protect in this case the not so innocent. As I have been doing a lot lately, it's definitely necessary to give you a glimpse into the character of these two, simply because they certainly both have their quirks.

Smelly: This guy is just a little bit younger than me, and was a year below me in high school. The fact remains though, that he tends to have a little bit of a "creepy" streak to him, in addition to a healthy stutter...which we all joke adds suspense to what he says. All these things come together nicely to be some of the important characteristics of my friend Smelly. He's a good kid though, and can take one hell of a verbal beating.

Louis: Louis can be compared physically and racially to Coach from Left 4 Dead 2. He is also a year younger than me, but is probably one of the funniest kids to be around, because he can talk just as much shit as I can...a rare quality. He tends to get into sports related arguments a lot, but the women just loooooove him.

The Events:

• Upon entering the bar first, I took a seat and watched my buddy STCA's band set up for their set later on it the night. I noticed quickly that there were very few women in the bar, and almost an obscene amount of men.
• Louis walked in about fifteen minutes after me, and we quickly started having a conversation about Smelly, and whether or not he was going to hit on the few women there. We had a good laugh about it, actually.
• Smelly walked in about ten minutes after that, and we quickly began to chat about out fantasy teams, their rosters, and how badly I had beaten Smelly two weeks earlier.
• As I walked away to get a beer, they snuck out for a cigarette, and apparently struck up a conversation with a girl a few years older than us...I think around 25 or so. They mentioned their conversation centered around Smelly and the girl loving the New York Giants, Louis hating on them and being a Packer fan, and basically making fun of each other.
• They came back inside, returning to where I was, and then the girl came back in. To describe properly what I thought the girl looked like, I will refer to a conversation I had today about it with my buddy Him Powell.

Jim Powell: Was she good looking at least?

AIA: She was a four; a solid four.

Jim Powell: eh.

AIA: Like if she was a decimal, you'd round her down.

• So the girl came in and immediately went back to her group of friends, across the bar from where we were. I told Smelly that if he was going to get an in with her, now is the time. So he went across the bar, and said that Louis was shit talking the Giants again, and she immediately came over. That's when I saw her up close. In the words of my gay buddy...WOOF. She had a forehead that didn't quit, but the thing that was most obvious was that this girl was absolutely obliterated. Things started to make a little more sense now. Sixhead introduced herself to me and I said my hello. Unfortunately, she said that she dug Louis more than Smelly, which was humorous to me.
• Over the course of the night, I made several statements to this girl, mostly to get her the fuck away from me, which included:
  "I have erectile dysfunction, I'm on Cialis."
  "I have premature ejaculation problems."
  ... and my favorite"My penis just grew by two centimeters, it's three now."
• About ten minutes after that, I was over watching the band, and came back to find her making out with Smelly, in public...much to the dismay of everyone else around the bar. I decided to bullshit with Louis and make fun of the situation. Louis was still figuring that he could steal her away...but it would be a sloppy seconds-ish scenario.
• After a while, Smelly went to get a beer, and she was immediately all over Louis, which was rather humorous...within ten minutes, they were making out. A true lady.
• So after a while, Smelly and the other two went out to smoke another cigarette, and Louis came back in. While they were making out previously, the girl had said she wanted him to come home with her. As he returned, he did not seem so keen on the idea. It appeared that Smelly was making a last ditch effort, and upon his return from his cigarette...he was successful in getting the girl to "take him home".
  
• Unfortunately for us, Smelly was our ride home, and he had promised Louis shotgun in his little purple Mitsubishi convertible. Unfortunately, that did not happen, as Smelly had gotten the in with Sixhead, she was riding shotgun, leaving me and Louis to squeeze our asses into the backseat.
• On the way back, I chose to have a little fun at the expense of the girl. Seeing as how I was the first person being dropped off, I asked the girl if she had ever been to Paris, because she seemed as if she had already experienced the Eiffel Tower in person.
• When I left, the girl would not get out of the car to let me out of the backseat, guess that offended her.
• The next day, the first thing I told my buddy Jim Powell was the following: "Hey man, Smelly got laid last night." His response? "What was his name."
  A proper ending to our story.